Todd McSham’s first round draft mockery

Kiper’s coiffed hair can make like a leaf and blow, the real deal is here. I know everything.

1. Green Bay Packers - A.J. Green, WR
So obvious, even Mayock can figure this out.

2. Miami Dolphins - Cam Newton, QB
Apparently happy with an undersized receiving corps, Miami leaps up to #2 to grab a quarterback of the future.

3. Buffalo Bills - Marcell Dareus, DT/DE
Buffalo can't decide if they want to run a 4-3 or 3-4. Dareus lets them run both simultaneously. Defense of the future!

4. Cincinnati Bengals - Patrick Peterson, CB
No more Jonathan Joseph? No problem. Cincy gets the second-best player in the draft.

5. Arizona Cardinals - Prince Amukamara, CB
As in 2007, the Cardinals miss out on their first choice. Again as in 2007, they simply go right down their board to the next-best player. Unlike 2007, Amukamara is actually worth it.

6. Cleveland Browns - Blaine Gabbert, QB
New regimes mean new quarterbacks. Browns football czar Mike Holmgren seems to pathologically dislike Colt McCoy, for whatever reason. Moron.

7. Oakland Raiders - Da'Quan Bowers, DE
A defensive lineman who runs fast? Al Davis is all over this.

8. Indianapolis Colts - Von Miller, LB
Indy never shies away from a calculated risk. Miller's freakish athleticism demands respect.

9. Jacksonville Jaguars - Ryan Mallett, QB
Jacksonville slides down and still snags a strong-armed quarterback.

10. Seattle Seahawks - Akeem Ayers, LB
A reach at 10, but Seattle's GM has linebackers on the brain. Shipping off David Hawthorne and attempting to trade Aaron Curry in the same offseason signals their desire to remake the position.

11. Houston Texans - Anthony Castonzo, OL
Houston's offensive line has undergone a remodeling this offseason. Castonzo can be their centerpiece left tackle for years.

12. New York Giants - Nick Fairley, DT
Sources on the grapevine tell me this is a lock. Or is that my fifth glass of wine speaking?

13. Detroit Lions - Christian Ponder, QB
Detroit gets robbed by Jacksonville, cementing their position as the doorknob of the NFL. Ponder at 13 is a huge reach, but the Lions are left with no alternative.

14. St. Louis Rams - Robert Quinn, DE
The Rams miss out on a falling Nick Fairley. The consolation prize is just as good.

15. Carolina Panthers - Aldon Smith, DE
Charles Johnson gets a buddy. NFC South offensive lines, be alert.

16. Denver Broncos - Jimmy Smith, CB
Champ Bailey gets a buddy. Unlike the nurses at the retirement home, Jimmy Smith doesn't give sponge baths.

17. Dallas Cowboys - Gabe Carimi, OL
Continuing our kumbaya session, Doug Free gets a buddy. And a new entourage member.

18. San Diego Chargers - Tyron Smith, OL
Athletic monster who can start immediately at right tackle. Could also be a future left tackle, in a sort of "Michael Oher with more talent and less movie rights" scenario.

19. Washington Redskins - Julio Jones, WR
Julio Jones at #19 is simply too good for the Redskins to pass up. They can restock their backfield in later rounds. A trade down is also a possibility here.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Martez Wilson, ILB
Barrett Ruud's replacement. A necessary reach.

21. Kansas City Chiefs - Derek Sherrod, OL
The last real LT prospect on the board.

22. Houston Texans - Mike Pouncey, OL
The Texans continue revamping their offensive line.

23. San Francisco 49ers - Jake Locker, QB
STEAL OF THE DRAFT. Jim Harbaugh waits patiently and gets the best quarterback in last year's class.

24. New Orleans Saints - Mikel LeShoure, RB
Pierre Thomas' replacement. The Saints probably prefer to address other needs, but the need and value align here. LeShoure is a better fit for the Saints' offense than Mark Ingram, who falls to…

25. Buffalo Bills - Mark Ingram, RB
Buffalo may prefer to avoid a running back here, but it's clear the Bills are rebuilding at every position.

26. Buffalo Bills - J.J. Watt, DE
For once, the Bills are laughing at the rest of the NFL. But Ralph Wilson is still senile.

27. Indianapolis Colts - Nate Solder, OL
Ryan Diem's superior replacement. Indy missed out on Rodger Saffold last year: they won't repeat that mistake.

28. San Francisco 49ers - Muhammad Wilkerson, DT
The 49ers stick with their board and draft a quality player for their defense.

29. Dallas Cowboys - Brandon Harris, CB
Some believe Harris should go higher, others lower. I think this value is just right.

30. New York Jets - Jonathan Baldwin, WR
Losing your top two receivers in the same offseason is tough. The Jets are lucky to pick in a slot with great value at the position.

31. Baltimore Ravens - Adrian Clayborn, DE
Ngata problem? Not a problem.

32. Denver Broncos - Ryan Kerrigan, DE
Kerrigan falls all the way to 32. Denver is happy to set up a safety net for him.

 

McSham threw some darts at a target and it came up Fairley.

 

Updated to “reflect” the Miami-Jacksonville trade.

 

The question is when and where… hmm.

 

Found a cached copy. Restored the mockery. Leave it to McSham to try to make people forget his picks.

 

Is this a way of saying you’re going to offer Cleveland a package of picks to move up to #6?

 

Tapatalk fail x2, my man. I guess Tapatalk hates me tonight.

 

His name is McSham for a reason.

 

See post above yours.