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Samphin Presents: The Rex Ryan is heavier than game

Discussion in 'Miami Dolphins Forum' started by Samphin, Oct 6, 2009.

  1. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    So, as I started finally digesting the Buffalo Burgers I, as well as the team, gorged on this past Sunday, I started turning my focus and attention towards the New York (stupid) Jets. I tried to break down tape, but kept getting distracted. I would listen to press conferences but couldn't focus on the proper soundbytes. I even tried viewing pictures online but found myself drifting in a different direction and making other observations.

    The direction I was drifting was towards Rex Ryans big fat gut. Mainly due to his gravitational pull, I assume, but since I was heading in that direction, I made many keen and acute observations about Rex Ryan that can be summed up in one four-word sentence.

    Rex Ryan is fat.

    But how fat is he really? I mean perhaps it is all of those NFL TV cameras making him look like a planet. Maybe he is as svelt as Tony Dungy in actuality? So I started looking into Rex Ryan's personal stats. And what did I find. That my theory is in fact, a fact.

    Rex Ryan is obese.

    But exactly how disgustingly fat and obese is Rex Ryan? Is he simply mall-joke-fat (you know, where you point and laugh at the fatty at the food court while his *** crack hangs out)? Or is he slightly pacadermish fat (where his heavy breathing makes it sound like he is an elephant trumpeting its mighty horn, even while sleeping)?

    The answer, shockingly enough is quite disturbing. So, without further adieu, I present the REX RYAN IS FATTER THAN...GAME:

    Is Rex Ryan fatter than...former Miami Dolphins defensive linemen Tim Bowens?

    Answer:
    Yes. Yes he is. Tm Bowens weighed around 325 lbs. during his playing days. Coach tubby tips the scales at a whopping 347 pounds. This means that this slobbingly looking fellow outweighs a football player that constantly battled his weight in his 10 year career. Way to go tubbo.

    Is Rex Ryan fatter than...two full sized kegs filled with beer?

    Answer:
    Yes. Two full sized American kegs not only will get you and your friends blitzed, but are easier to transport to a party. A full sized keg with beer weighs roughly 170 pounds. Meaning that coach heart attack has got two of them beat by seven pounds. Or, the weight of his pinky finger.

    Is Rex Ryan fatter than...every starter on his offensive line?

    Answer:
    Yes and no. Any two of them combined easily beat Ryan's weight individually. However, he is heavier than any of them individually. Their weights are as follows: Nick Mangold: 300, Brandon Moore: 305, Alan Faneca: 305, Damien Woody: 330, and D'Brickashaw Ferguson: 310. This means that Rex Ryan is better suited to play on the offensive line, than to coach it. Way to go, Fatty McButterpants.

    Is Rex Ryan fatter than...the two current Sumo Grand Champions (Yokozunas)?

    Answer:
    Yes. Both of them. Jesus Christ Rex! You outweigh both Asahoryu Akinori (330) AND Hakcho Sho (340)? Both of whom, are Mongolian. Something Rex should know something about as he apparently eats Mongolian BBQ every day of his life.

    Is Rex Ryan fatter than...an 18-wheeler tire?

    Answer:
    No, but barely. From what I can gather, a big rig tires weighs roughly 350 pounds, which means that Rex Ryan is the lighter one in this scenario, but only by about one or two lunches tops. The fact that I have to compare him against a big rig is disturbing in itself. Fatty.

    Is Rex Ryan fatter than...a newborn baby elephant?

    Answer:
    Yes. And it isn't even close. A newborn elephant weighs around 250 pounds when it finally drops (22 month pregnancy!). Which means that Rex not only is heavier than an ELEPHANT, he isn't even in the same weight class. Coach gastric bypass should really think about switching to diet soda...

    Is Rex Ryan fatter than...a full grown pygmy hippo?

    Answer:
    No. A full grown pygmy hippo typically weighs over 400 pounds. I suppose if you had a runt, it is possible for Sexy Rexy to beat it out. But for all intents and purposes, Rex wins this one. Congrats Lardking, you aren't a hippo...technically.

    Is Rex Ryan fatter than, the amount of weight lost by Jared Fogle (the Subway Guy)?

    Answer:
    Yes and holy ****, it isn't even close either. Jared lost 240 pounds to get into the 190 range. Rex Ryan eats 240 pounds daily. The Jersey Jets coach really is a big bucket of yuck.


    So how did you guys and gals do?
     
  2. CitizenSnips

    CitizenSnips hmm.

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    pretty awesome stuff there.

    all kidding aside. being an nfl coach is stressful. Combine that with the obvious heart problems Rex is likely to have and the rather intense nature of the game, Rex could die...
     
    dolfan7171 likes this.
  3. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    gold. ****ing gold.
     
  4. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    I peed a little
     
  5. Frumundah Finnatic

    Frumundah Finnatic U Mad Miami?

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    Thats funny, how long before Sam gets death threats from Jets fans?
     
  6. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    That depends on whenever I decide to post this over at jetnation. :shifty:
     
    Pagan, dolfan7171, jetssuck and 2 others like this.
  7. azfinfanmang

    azfinfanmang Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Absolutely PRICELESS Sammy.

    Glad to see your back......


    Is Ryan Fatter than a sea going vessel?

    Well, Trick question. Of course he is a
    B O T E

    You had to be there :up:
     
    dolfan7171 and Samphin like this.
  8. MonstBlitz

    MonstBlitz Nobody's Fart Catcher

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    Please please please post the link when you do.
     
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  9. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

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    over there
    And with all the sh*t we(I) have been hearing already from them....,I think you should. :shifty:





    :lol:


    Fatty Mcbutterpants? How do you fathom thoughts like that at ramdom?
    Like Kenny said,priceless......
     
    jetssuck likes this.
  10. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

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    Come to think of it,they can't handle hearing the truth.
     
  11. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    this thread is grimace approved
    [​IMG]

    oops wrong grimace

    [​IMG]
     
  12. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    oh you have to!!!!

    and this may have been my single favorite post ever. as a thread, i dont think it will beat Gish's 200 rep thread...but post for post, numero uno.

    god bless.
     
    Frumundah Finnatic likes this.
  13. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    http://www.jetnation.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1404779#post1404779

    Just posted so it might need some time to garner "intelligent" responses. Assuming it doesn't get shut down.




    Fatty McButterpants isn't an original one from me unfortunately. I think I lifted it from an episode from King of Queens from about 10 years ago. The statute of limitations is seven years though, so I'm good. It is public domain now. :lol:
     
  14. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    oh, and the 347lbs. is that just his neck and torso, or legs, head and everything?
     
  15. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

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    Dammit,man.That's plagiarism.:yes: :pity:








    :tongue2:
     
  16. late again

    late again Senior Member

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    Ophinerated likes this.
  17. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    you're my hero!
     
  18. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    they dont have spoiler buttons? losers!!!
     
  19. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    you changed the title
     
  20. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    what do you care stoopid.
     
  21. miamiron

    miamiron There's always next year

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    outstanding post

    the funny part is there will be very-very few jet fans that will read that post
    maybe a line or one paragraph but to think jet fans have that kind of mental fortitude to finish the whole post...not going to happen
     
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  22. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    Yeah, no spoiler buttons, kind of makes the game a loser over there. I was thinking about just bypassing the game and stating facts, but overall, I still think it works.

    Yeah, I think it is funnier to see them think it is a positive piece, only to be blindsided once they read.
     
    jetssuck likes this.
  23. SCall13

    SCall13 ThePhins QB


    Brilliant post. I literally laughed until my eyes were watering.
     
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  24. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    Yeah I checked there and it just seemed to fly right over the heads of all them "Yo, Paulies" over there....
     
  25. Frumundah Finnatic

    Frumundah Finnatic U Mad Miami?

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    ahh Gyno Tony still riding that short bus I see.
     
  26. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    I will admit that the Akebono line made me laugh though. For how ******ed that guy is, for him to know the American Sumo Champion was pretty impressive.

    I am actually quite surprised that Mr. Gyno has never made his way over here.
    Of course, he would be banned in two seconds. :lol:
     
  27. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    I can picture him gettin outta that Camaro......shirt half way unbuttoned, more hair on his chest than on his head and a dozen gold chains.

    Making fun of NYers just never gets old....
     
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  28. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    Pretty sure Tony is ALL New Jersey. He simply has to be. New Yorkers just aren't that....Jersey-esque.
     
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  29. Frumundah Finnatic

    Frumundah Finnatic U Mad Miami?

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    Sam you give him too much credit, It doesnt take alot of brain power to use Google, then again he is a Jets fan.

    I dont know how his fellow Jets fans could stand him.
     
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  30. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    But then again so are the Jets...
     
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  31. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

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    They dont seem to appreciate it very much.
     
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  32. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    Wasn't that our goal?
     
  33. GISH

    GISH ~mUST wARN oTHERS~

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    IMO, the Jets are the one team that we should be able to bash relentlessly on this forum or any other. Coach Blubberbritches went out of his way to talk **** about our team. Now they must die! Great post sam!
     
  34. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    ugh thank god that moron isnt around. i cant stand him.
     
  35. adamprez2003

    adamprez2003 Senior Member

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    hey hey hey!
    watch it you. as everyone knows, we dont consider staten island part of new york. thats merely our garbage dump
     
  36. adamprez2003

    adamprez2003 Senior Member

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    staten island. they are the new jersey of the boroughs
     
    Samphin likes this.
  37. Ludacris

    Ludacris Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    geezzz I thought I was playing the Brain game on Nintendo DS
    [​IMG]
     
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  38. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    oops...my bad :shifty:
     
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  39. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    Just went back over there to check that thread again.......If you haven't been over there you gotta go check out Sam's last reply.

    That was money
     
    Samphin likes this.
  40. Larry Little

    Larry Little Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Awesome work, Wolf, very funny stuff... and the comeback on the 'FAIL' pic on the Jets forum was absolutely priceless.
     
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