1. Why are some of the questions below numbered and formatted wrong? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 27. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 28. Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? 29.Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 31.Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 32.Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 33.Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? 35.Why Doctors call what they do "practice"? 36.Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? 34.Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? 37.Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"? 32.Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food? 38.Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour? 39.Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? 40.Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections? 43.Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? 42.Why sheep don't shrink when it rains? 44.Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? 41.If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 45.Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? AND... In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping". (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. " (The shoplifter special?) On a bar of Palmolive soap: Directions: Use like regular soap". (And that would be how???) On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost". (But, it's just a suggestion). On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (And you thought????...) On packaging for a K-Mart iron: Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking this because???) On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: not to be used for the other use". (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Nobby's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts". (Talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
