What can a bird do that A man cannot do ? Now don't cheat....think about it! Whistle through his pecker !
Joke from work So the other day I overheard a co worker saying that his brother had worms and cant seem to get rid of them. My response- "Jay thats just natures way of asking your brother to stop making sweet love to Lassie." Too far?
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?' She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ..' He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.' 'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?' 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. 'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. 'I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.' Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.' 'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba'
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Sensible Observations 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.' --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.' --Author Unknown 3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.' --Drew Carey 4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.' --Jeff Foxworthy 5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.' --Dave Barry 6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.' --Bob Ettinger 7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'' --Paula Poundstone 8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' --Conan O'Brien 9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.' --Lynda Montgomery 10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'' --Richard Jeni 11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.' --Johnny Carson 12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.' --Paul Rodriguez 13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law.' --Jerry Seinfeld 14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?' --Warren Hutcherson 15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' --Oscar Wilde 16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.' --Mark Twain 17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan ..' --A. Whitney Brown 18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'' --Dave Barry 19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased 20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.' --W. C. Fields And lastly: Why should I have to 'Press 1 for English?' --Every American
mastercard wedding You got to love this guy.. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope... He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!' Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here. ' He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.. Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000 Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
its not true, the guy that sent it to me tried to get me to believe it was but i read this one before. http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/g/groomsrevenge.htm
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, > well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. > > 'May I help you?' she asked. > > 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied. > > 'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would > prefer someone else,' said the madam.. > * > *'No. I must see Valerie,' was the man's reply. > > Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged > $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand > dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, > the man calmly left. > * > *The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. > Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - > too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. > Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went > upstairs. After an hour, he left. > > The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that > he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and > they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No > one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' > > The man replied, 'South Dakota.' > > 'Really!' she said. 'I have family in South Dakota.' > > 'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's > attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.' > > The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: > 1. Death > 2. Taxes > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. ?Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........ And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!
It was a sunny morning, a little after 8:00 am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!" I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back... "WOULD THE JERK WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!"
A cowboy from Montana was pulled over by an Oregon State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Ya havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies." "Well, sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stopped and said, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?" "No, sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call any o' y'all a horse's ***." "That's a good thing," the trooper said and went back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best cowboy drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies though.
The new supermarket opened near my house and has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. But I think it's getting out of hand. When you approach the milk case, you hear cows mooing and catch a whiff of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The meat department has a background "sizzle" and the slight odor of a charcoal grill. But now, I refuse to go in anymore, after walking down the toilet paper aisle....
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk." Quickly he wrote: 1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child. 2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system. Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled: 3. It comes in such nice containers.
Little Billy on Getting Older Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know that eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat." Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied little Billy, "he minded his own fricking business!"
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.... Why? Because every time, all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, "You're next!" I finally figured out how to get them to stop. I started doing the exact same thing to them -- at funerals.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered the **** was missing. He knew about the cockfights in the village so he questioned the parishioners. Before mass he asked them... "Has anybody got a ****?" All the men stood up. "No, no, no"......that's not what I meant. Has anybody seen a ****?" All the women stood up. "No, no, no.....that's not what I meant, has anybody seen ! a **** that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no, no..... That's not what I meant, has anybody seen MY ****?" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender. 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
A Blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. "Why are you wearing a 'Thank Goodness it's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?" "Oh crap!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant **** Go In Front!"
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words. "Honey, before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift." "She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast you didn't like in the refrigerator. She d only some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of shoes you had discarded simply because they were out of style." "She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered... "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple...see, as she was about to leave the house she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore??"
This guy was sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. "Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend. "Oh its my wifie, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards.....everything." The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. "I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest." "A pissing contest!" he exclaims. "Surely you can out distance her on that....do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference." "Ok, I'll do it." So home he goes and says to the wife, "I challenge you to a distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark". So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower. Next hubby steps up, drops his drawers, grabs his meat when the wife says, "Wait a minute dear, No Hands!"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison .... yet…………
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. (However, if you don't know what "it" is that you may be losing, it's already lost, and you can forget about doing the exercise.) The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. Scroll Slowly and NO CHEATING!!! OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say "silk " five times. Now spell "silk.." What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4. 4.It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash-landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land"between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"? Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmarthen , six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES.. Mother , AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. And the best one?: FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife already knows everything.
when you know you have been married too long Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. The married woman: I sent the kids to my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
A man orders a hot dog with relish from, a street vendor. The Vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The Vendor pleads with the inspector and promises to clean up his act. The inspector agrees, but warns he'll be stopping by unannounced another time. A month later, the inspector returns and orders a hot dog with relish. The Vendor carefully grabs the dog with a pair of tongs and uses another pair to put on the relish. "You've passed," the inspector says before noticing a string hanging out of the vendor's zipper. "Wait!" he says. "What's that for?" The Vendor replies, "I'm so clean that when I go to the bathroom, I don't even touch myself. I pull it out with the string." "And how do you get it back in your pants?" the inspector asks. "Easy," says the vendor. "I use the tongs."
A Priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young Boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed Boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father." About 10 years later, The Priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then." "And what was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem." "What's that, my son?" "Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"
Actual headlines in 2007---- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, really? Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! Oklahoma's construction program! Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that right? Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity at least once a day!
9 WORDS WOMEN USE (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothin g: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU! (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. *something men need to know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. * Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true. 혻
Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce. "Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said. "Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"
A young man was hired as the lifeguard at the pool at the Prime Minister's residence at 24 Sussex Drive. The Harper family was making use of the pool when one of their two children encountered some difficulty and cried for help. The lifeguard ignored the cries, so Stephen himself had to plunge into the pool to rescue the boy. Afterwards, Harper grilled the lifeguard. "You idiot! Didn't you see that my son was in trouble?" "Yes, sir, but I can't swim." "How did you land the job of lifeguard, then?" "I'm bilingual."
