A flat-chested young lady went to a popular surgeon known for "no scars" about enlarging her breasts. To her shock, Dr. Bosley advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!" He guaranteed success and, figuring she had nothing to lose, she did what he told her to do faithfully for several months. To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said quietly, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She apparently didn't say it quietly enough, though, since a guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Bosley?' "Yes I am," she said, a bit embarrassed. "How did you know?" He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock...."
The photographer for a large national newspaper was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough: a plane was warming up near the runway. The photographer jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Go, go, go!" The pilot nodded and swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. "Do you mean to say," the pilot asked after a long pause, "that you're not the flight instructor?"
A man burst into a crowded bank, ordered everyone into a corner, and then got his bag filled with packets of money. But instead of running out, he approached the crowd of terrified customers. He picked out one and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" "No sir, I sure didn't," the man replied -- "But my wife did."
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and the boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl said "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up". So he did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up." So he did and his nose began to get warm. He lifted his head up from between the girls legs and said "Do you know what? I think my ***** is frozen solid" The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a *****?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.' The amazed father asks: 'It's how much?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends...
Our first conversation took place in a bar in Atlanta. I went over to her and said, "Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?" She slowly turned around, ****ed her head to the side, and, in the slow southern drawl she's got, said, "Tell me, big boy, do you like sex?" "Why yeah, of course!" She nodded, put her hand on my chest. "Do you like to travel?" "Yes, ma'am. Yes I do." "Good, then take a f***ing hike."
Straight Man Accidentally Sees ‘Sex and the City’ ‘Terrifying’ Experience, Says Home Depot Clerk A self-styled heterosexual man from Akron, Ohio said today that he was “traumatized” over the weekend after attending a showing of the new Sarah Jessica Parker film, “Sex and the City.” Hendrick Colton, 34, said that he bought a ticket to the summer blockbuster “Iron Man” at his neighborhood multiplex but wandered into the theater showing “Sex and the City” instead. “The minute the movie came on, I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong,” he said. Mr. Colton, a sales clerk at a Home Depot in the Akron suburbs, said he tried to leave the theater immediately but was seated in the middle of a row, making it impossible to escape without causing commotion. “Everyone around me was laughing their heads off and shouting ‘You go, girl!’” he said. “It was terrifying.” A spokesman for New Line Cinema, the company that released “Sex and the City,” said that the film grossed $55 million over the weekend but that Mr. Colton was the only heterosexual man known to have seen it. Friends of Mr. Colton who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the Akron man seemed shaken by the experience of seeing the movie and was concerned that others might now doubt his longstanding claim of being heterosexual. Davis Logsdon, a professor of human sexuality at the University of Minnesota, said that a straight man could attend a film such as “Sex and the City” without experiencing any change in his sexual identity. “A heterosexual man could see that movie and remain heterosexual at its conclusion,” Dr. Logsdon said. “Having said that, it’s totally gay that he did that.”
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?!
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb *** put him up there to begin with.'
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: "When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition." "She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile." "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
CHINESE PROVERBS Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel ****y all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other mans well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Redneck birth control A redneck took his daughter to the Gynecologist. They waited in the Doctors office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"? The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc". "Well, is your daughter sexually active?", asked the Doctor. "No", answered the redneck, "she just lays there like her mother".
A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says, "Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy." The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't Yell In Victoria's Secret 10... Does this come in children's sizes? 9...No thanks, just sniffing. 8...Ill be in the dressing room going blind. 7...Mom will love this. 6...Oh, the size wont matter. Shes inflatable. 5...No need to wrap it up. Ill eat it here. 4...Will you model this for me??? 3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace 2...45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway 1... Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat *** into that.
Top Ten ways to tell you are fat 10...You dance and make the band skip. 9...You go bungee jumping and go straight to hell. 8...You go to the zoo and elephants throw you peanuts. 7...Your drivers license says Picture continued on other side. 6...You go to a restaurant and instead of a menu ,you get an estimate. 5...You have to use a boomerang to put a belt on. 4...Your family portrait has stretch marks. 3...People have to take three trains and a bus ride to get on your good side. 2...Your nickname is HOLY $HIT. 1...You get runs in your jeans.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like Eric.............
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate.So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple. Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
Harry approached a prostitute and asked, "How much for a blow job?". "A Hundred Bucks," said the ho. "OK," he said and began to jerk off. "What the hell are you doing that for?" questioned the hooker. "For a hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy one, do you?"
Nice! I've been using the ID-10T error on users for about 25 years now and its still not widely known.
While she was enjoying herself at a lake side picnic, a young girl was playing around on a bed of pine needles, when an extremely sharp one pierced her swimsuit, and embedded itself in her pubic area. She was rushed to the hospital, where the emergency room doctor told her that he could not extract the pine needle until he checked with the appropriate federal authorities. The girl now in considerable pain, cried and asked the doctor why he could not help her. The doctor apologized that it was all a matter of ecology, and that he would have to file an environmental impact statement before he could remove any sort of timber from a recreational area.
Two fellows grew up in the mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents. The one up North became a salesman, soon he was sales manager, and then vice president and finally president of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company. One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday." He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do." Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it. The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked if why he was getting these bills. "Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, so we rented him a tuxedo."
John and Brian are out and about. John notices that Brian is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally brings up. "Yo, man, you've been cranky all damned day. What the hell is wrong with you. You're acting like you've got PMS." "Naw, I don't have PMS, but I definitely think I'm suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH." "SRH? What's that?" "Sperm Retention Headache."
IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win moneygambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" t he auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The redneck nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.'
Three guys are out golfing. They tee off, and the first guy hits it straight up the middle. The second guy hooks it into the woods. The first guy suggests that they go look for the second guy's ball, while the third guy tees off. The third guy hits, and the ball ends up near the first shot. He waits around for a while, and can't see the other two. Finally, he wanders off into the woods to find them. He reaches a clearing and the first guy is giving it to the second guy up the butt. "Holy cow! This isn't what it looks like! He was having a heart attack!" the first guy says. "Well, if that happened, you should be giving him mouth-to-mouth" the third guy says. The second guy asks: "How do you think this all got started?"
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak. "Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word "fascinate". Molly put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled, "Skunk. killed with an axe."
What's the mating call of a blonde? "I'm sooooooo drunk." What's the mating call of a brunette? "I said I'm drunk." What's the mating call of a red head? "Next."
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. Hes so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift. The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift. The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates...
Two Brooms Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt. * * * * * * * * * "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Butt Measurements A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.' With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. 'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!! The woman chose to ignore her husbands comments Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. 'What's wrong?' he asks. She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-*** grill for one little weenie?
