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Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.
What does an 85 year old woman taste like??
Q: What's the difference between a big bag of cocaine and a baby? A: Eric Clapton wouldn't let a big bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
When Trump and Melania are having sex, why is Melania ALWAYS on top?
Because all Trump does is *uck up!
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb? I said, thank you, I'll have chicken please. She replied, you're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat.
A guy walks into a bar sits down orders a drink, as he's drinking his drink he looks up and notices three huge slabs of beef hanging on the ceiling. He says hey bartender what's with the meat bartender says it's a long running tradition around here if you jump up and touch a piece all of your drinks are on the house but if you miss you have to buy everyone a drink. Guy goes oh barte der then asks so are you interested guy says I think I'll pass the stakes are to high.
A guy goes to see his doctor, and after an examination, he asks the Dr if he will be ok?
Dr says "Doubt it, mercury is in Uranus".
Guy says "I don't do that astrology".
Dr replies "Me neither, my thermometer just broke".
The 2019 Miami Dolphins.
*Drops mic and walks off stage*
A guy goes to the doctor says hey doctor I have a problem, Doctor says well what's wrong? Guy goes I can't stop singing what's new pussycat? I'm singing it in my sleep I'm singing it at work I just got yelled at by my boss and I can't stop singing it at home and it annoys the hell out of my wife, what is going on? Doctor says you'll be fine it just sounds like you have a case of Tom Jones syndrome. Guy asks well is that normal? Doctor says well it's not unusual.
A Chinese guy and a Jew are sitting in a doctor's office and suddenly the Jewish guy looks at the Chinese guy and says you know that was pretty messed up what you guys did in Pearl Harbor. The Chinese guy says to him I'm Chinese not Japanese the Jewish guy says ah, Chinese Japanese Vietnamese you guys are all the same to me. Chinese guy shrugs it off 2 minutes later the Chinese guy looks at the Jewish guy and says you know that was pretty messed up what you guys did to the Titanic, the Jew says what are you talking about the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank. Chinese guy says ah iceberg Weinberg Steinberg you guys are all the same to me.
For his 75th birthday, an old man's family decided to give him a vacation in Ireland. He'd been once before several decades earlier and routinely talked of how much he enjoyed it, all the friends he'd made there, and how he'd love to return one day.
Once the old man was back and settled at his hotel, he made a bee line for the pub he'd frequented on his previous trip all those years ago.
Upon entering the dimly lit bar, an equally elderly man lifted his head, took a hard look at him, and bemoaned, "Oh God. You're back."
An old man in an Irish pub sits by himself and is clearly upset, a guy walks up and asks what's wrong? Old man says I'll tell you you look out that window and you say that wall? Well I built that wall brick after brick with me bare hands and do you think they call McGregor thee wallbuilder? No, you see this pub that you are drinking on? Once again it was built by me and measured the length made sure it was smooth and made sure it was strong? Do you think they call mecGregor thee pub builder? No, look outside and do you see that pier as far as the eye can see? I built that with me bare hands and a lot of hours of general labor to make sure this town as a beautiful pier, do you think they call me McGregor the pier builder? No, The old man then looks around and says really low, but you **** a goat just once.
My neighbour, who's a home carer, found an old guy dead in his bedroom wearing a corset, stocking and suspenders, with a rope round his neck and a tangerine in his mouth.
He was actually wearing a Jets jersey too, but she changed him to save the family any embarrassment.
I met an older woman at the bar last night. She looked pretty good for a sixty year old. In fact she wasn't to bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers and she asked if I every had a Sportsmen's double? Whats that I asked? Its a mother and daughter threesome, she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea and my mind began to wonder what she looked like, I said no I haven't. We drank a bit more then she said with a wink, tonight is your lucky night. We went back to her place, we walked in. She turned on the light and shouted up the stairs. MOM... are you still awake?
I don't get it!?
We ended up not being a good punch line huh lol but we were at the time!
Why is the mob and a p**** alot alike?
One slip of the tounge and you're in deep ****.