1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

Tags:
  1. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

    4,512
    1,538
    113
    Nov 29, 2007
    over there
    An old man goes into a drug store to buy some viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters"? " I can cut them for you said Dan the Pharmacist,,but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
    " I am 96 said the old man, I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
     
    SICK and gunn34 like this.
  2. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,931
    1,584
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    HEY GUYS, THIS IS ALARMING!
    Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right,
    FEMALE hormones! Last month, Sydney University and
    scientists released results of a recent analysis that
    revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
    should take a serious look at their beer consumption.
    The theory is that beer contains female hormones(hops
    contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough
    beer, men turn into women.
    To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners
    (1/2 liter glass) of beer within a one hour period.
    It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
    yes, 100% of all these men:
    1) Argued over nothing.
    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    5) Became overly emotional
    6) Couldn't drive.
    7) Failed to think rationally, and
    8) Had to sit down while urinating.
    No further testing was considered necessary!
     
    Phinatic425, anditsgood, SICK and 5 others like this.
  3. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,931
    1,584
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Suzan: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

    Rob: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

    Suzan: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
     
  4. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,444
    40,003
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    A guy is walking down the street and sees an Arab man on the balcony of his first floor apartment shaking out a rug.

    "What's the matter?" the man asks...."it won't start?"

    *******************

    The caretaker at a cemetery is walking past some headstones early in the day when he sees a man crouching behind one of them.

    "Mornin'" the caretaker says.

    "No," replied the man behind the stone. "Just taking a dump."

    *******************

    A man's wife was in labor with their first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me drugs!"

    Then she looked at him and yelled, "YOU did this to me, you BASTARD!"

    The man casually replied, "Blame yourself sweetheart. If you remember, I wanted anal but you said that would hurt too much."

    ********************

    A man went to an extremely attractive female doctor for an annual checkup. "How'm I doing doc?" the man asked.

    The doctor looks at the man and says, "Well, first of all you have to stop masturbating."

    "Why?" asked the man.

    She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
     
  5. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,931
    1,584
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street
    When a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
    'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
    'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
    The cop looked the bike over and handed
    the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.
    The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
    a reflector light on the back of it!'
    The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
    'Nice horse you've got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
    Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
    'Yes, he sure did!'
    The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
    'Next year tell Santa;
    The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
     
  6. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,444
    40,003
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was to do the dishes and the house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



    The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.



    The third man married a girl from NY. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

    *****************

    Excerpt from a Dog's Diary........

    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

    Day 983 of my captivity....

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

    Bastards.

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ******ed.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.
     
  7. Stitches

    Stitches ThePhin's Biggest Killjoy Luxury Box

    48,137
    23,184
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Katy, TX
    lol at the dog and cat diary.
     
  8. mor911

    mor911 pooping

    6,183
    4,061
    113
    Nov 25, 2007
    Austin, TX
    HAHAHAAHHAHA That Dog/Cat Diary thing is such a win
     
  9. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,444
    40,003
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

    Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

    Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

    Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past.

    Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

    After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

    Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts.
     
  10. TiP54

    TiP54 Bad Reputation

    10,739
    4,980
    113
    Nov 25, 2007
    Live from the Internet.
    -Knock Knock.
    -Who's there?
    -Krisbeet.
    -Krisbeet who?
    -Rhiana.
     
  11. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,444
    40,003
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    A Cowboy from Casper, Wyoming walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

    The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

    The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's President and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Wyoming for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

    An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments also include a large number of wind turbines around Wyoming. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The good 'ole Wyoming cowboy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only 23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
     
  12. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

    4,512
    1,538
    113
    Nov 29, 2007
    over there
    9 months later!!!

    John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


    'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'



    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


    But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


    He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


    'Yes, I do.' said Keith.

    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'


    'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


    'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


    Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

    'She just died and left me everything.'
     
    Frumundah Finnatic likes this.
  13. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,444
    10,990
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    wishful thinking???




    [​IMG]
     
  14. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

    4,512
    1,538
    113
    Nov 29, 2007
    over there
    I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!They had a contest going on at the pub -and of
    course we all joined in.
    I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.
    I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

    The question was:
    "Where do most women have curly hair?"






    Apparently it's Africa
     
    MikeHoncho and gunn34 like this.
  15. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

    73,083
    35,886
    113
    Nov 29, 2007
    Charlotte NC
    Lady goes to the doctor for her annual check up. she has a black eye....the doctor asks "what happened?"

    the women starts crying "my husband comes home every night drunk as a skunk and beats the piss out of me..."

    "well.." the doctor sighed "next time he comes home drunk, just run to the kitchen and start gargling sweet tea"

    so the women does as the doctor says...

    a month later she comes back into the doctors office for a follow-up.

    "doctor, its amazing! I did what you said and my husband hasnt beat me once....why does gargling sweet tea work!??! what is it?!?"


    "you see...." the doctor explained....."how keeping your mouth shut helps the problem?"
     
  16. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,444
    10,990
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    [​IMG]
     
    MikeHoncho likes this.
  17. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    22,603
    9,988
    0
    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area
    A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress looked upon this public showing of affection, while taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress continued to watch as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. All the while the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

    The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

    The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. My husband just walked in the front door."
     
  18. TheColossus

    TheColossus NON !

    638
    1,274
    93
    Dec 6, 2009
    Dundee, Scotland
    What do you call a gorilla named Geoff?

    Geoff.
     
    texasPHINSfan likes this.
  19. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,444
    10,990
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

    During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

    He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

    The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel".

    The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

    About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

    Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

    When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

    'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
     
  20. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,931
    1,584
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Rich met Sharon at his bar one night. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Rich to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

    Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

    After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Rich's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Rich comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

    Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
     
  21. BlameItOnTheHenne

    BlameItOnTheHenne Taking a poop

    15,280
    7,516
    113
    Aug 15, 2010
    Davie
    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight is darn near perfect.
     
  22. texasPHINSfan

    texasPHINSfan New Member

    6,439
    3,774
    0
    Dec 14, 2007
    Bellevue, WA
    I'm living next door to a Russian couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing this down while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil...

    **

    Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its ****ing hilarious.

    **

    I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It's not yours is it?

    **

    I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

    **

    Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm ****in' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

    **

    There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

    **

    I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and black rapists is not the correct answer.
     
  23. texasPHINSfan

    texasPHINSfan New Member

    6,439
    3,774
    0
    Dec 14, 2007
    Bellevue, WA
    Her diary, His Diary

    Her Diary:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else... He fell asleep - I cried.
    I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


    His Diary:

    Harley wouldn't start this morning, can't figure it out. Got laid tonight though.
     
  24. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

    31,979
    8,756
    113
    Nov 29, 2007
    Bloomington, IN.
    10 things in golf that sound dirty
    1. Look at the size of his putter.

    2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

    3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

    4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

    5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

    6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

    7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

    8. Just turn your back and drop it.

    9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

    10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
     
  25. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    22,603
    9,988
    0
    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area
  26. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    22,603
    9,988
    0
    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area
    A young Arab asks his father,

    "What is this weird hat we are wearing?"

    His father replies,

    "It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

    "And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?"

    "It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body."

    "And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"

    "These are "babouches" which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert."

    "Tell me, father..."

    "Yes, my son?"

    "...Why are we living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this S***?"
     
  27. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    22,603
    9,988
    0
    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area
    Stuttering Cat - as explained by a 4th grader

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

    "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

    A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

    'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

    'It sure was,' said the little girl.

    'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F***!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

    The teacher had to leave the room.







     
  28. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,444
    10,990
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    Classic Johnny Carson

    Enjoy!
     
    RickyBobby and JCowScot like this.
  29. texasPHINSfan

    texasPHINSfan New Member

    6,439
    3,774
    0
    Dec 14, 2007
    Bellevue, WA
    So I called the rape advice hotline yesterday.

    apparently that's for victims.
     
    Fin D, bg34, 366vektorprime and 4 others like this.
  30. texasPHINSfan

    texasPHINSfan New Member

    6,439
    3,774
    0
    Dec 14, 2007
    Bellevue, WA
    What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?




    She gagged. :up:
     
  31. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    22,603
    9,988
    0
    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area
    The South - You Gotta Love It!!!

    Alabama A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

    "Where's Henry ?" the others asked.

    " Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

    "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

    "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry !"



    Georgia The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

    He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"


    The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my socks, the floor is cold."


    Louisiana A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

    When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."


    Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

    Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

    The young man answered, "I couldn't see his face, but dont worry I got the license number."


    North Carolina A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

    A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

    The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

    The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

    The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put "flares" in the front and "flares" in the back. I never did understand it neither."


    Tennessee A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

    The driver replied, "Bout whut, officer?"


    Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
    The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Do you not you see that sign right over your head son."

    "Yep I did officer", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, I checked twice cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage all along the ditch'."


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.
     
    MikeHoncho likes this.
  32. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,444
    10,990
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    A bit late for Thanksgiving but enjoy anyway !!!

    Enjoy![​IMG]
     
    RGF likes this.
  33. dolfan22

    dolfan22 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    From the wonderful mind of David Sedaris at a book promotion for us.

    Mentioning that in this economy , it is always good to make a great impression at a job interview. David said , companies when interested in a prospective employee often ask if you have any questions for them.

    His suggestion was , " What is the differance between a camaro and an erection?"

    Pause ... I don't know ....

    I don't have a camaro .
     
  34. Pavlous

    Pavlous New Member

    65
    15
    0
    Dec 29, 2010
    I find this a funny so I might as well share this joke to you guys. Hope y'all like it.

    Generous lawyer


    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

    "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

    The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

    "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

    On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
     
  35. texasPHINSfan

    texasPHINSfan New Member

    6,439
    3,774
    0
    Dec 14, 2007
    Bellevue, WA
    haha, that's awesome!

    Here:

    Why I fired my Secretary.

    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning...

    I went downstairs for breakfast
    hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
    'Happy Birthday!',
    and possibly have a small present for me.

    As it turned out,
    she barely said good morning,
    let alone
    ' Happy Birthday.'

    I thought....

    Well, that's marriage for you,
    but the kids...
    They will remember.

    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
    and didn't say a word..
    So when I left for the office,
    I felt pretty low
    and somewhat despondent.

    As I walked into my office,
    my secretary Jane said,
    'Good Morning Boss,
    and by the way
    Happy Birthday ! '
    It felt a little better
    that at least someone had remembered.

    I worked until one o'clock ,
    when Jane knocked on my door
    and said, 'You know,
    It's such a beautiful day outside,
    and it is your Birthday,
    what do you say we go out to lunch,
    just you and me..'
    I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
    that's the greatest thing
    I've heard all day.
    Let's go !'

    We went to lunch.
    But we didn't go
    where we normally would go.
    She chose instead a quiet bistro
    with a private table.
    We had two martinis each
    and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

    On the way back to the office,
    Jane said, 'You know,
    It's such a beautiful day...
    We don't need to go straight back to the office,
    Do We ?'

    I responded,
    'I guess not.
    What do you have in mind ?'
    She said,
    'Let's drop by my apartment,
    it's just around the corner.'

    After arriving at her apartment,
    Jane turned to me and said,



    ' Boss, if you don't mind,
    I'm going to step into the bedroom
    for just a moment.
    I'll be right back.'
    'Ok.' I nervously replied.

    She went into the bedroom and,
    after a couple of minutes,
    she came out
    carrying a huge birthday cake ...
    Followed
    by my wife,
    my kids,
    and dozens of my friends
    and co-workers,
    all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


    And I just sat there.....

    On the couch...

    Naked.
     
  36. dolphan197

    dolphan197 New Member

    179
    55
    0
    Oct 8, 2009
    West Virginia
    If your computer gets a virus from a porn site, does that count as a STD?
     
    366vektorprime likes this.
  37. texasPHINSfan

    texasPHINSfan New Member

    6,439
    3,774
    0
    Dec 14, 2007
    Bellevue, WA
    If that was possible, I'd be dead
     
  38. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,444
    10,990
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
  39. UCF FINatic

    UCF FINatic The Miami Dolphins select

    5,812
    1,947
    113
    Apr 17, 2008
    The best joke of them all? Women's rights.
     
  40. Starry31

    Starry31 Phins and Heels.

    3,668
    1,161
    113
    Dec 8, 2009
    North Carolina
    That could be something I see my dad doing... :lol: "Got cat hurr on my bibs" No dad, I believe it's cat hair.
     

Share This Page