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Need REAL Advice

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by KeyFin, Aug 17, 2017.

Do I kick my kid out for good?

  1. Yup

  2. Nope

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  1. Puka-head

    Puka-head My2nd Fav team:___vs Jets

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    My brother first let me say you are a good dad. Your wife is a good mother. The fact that you are still in the fight tells that.

    My sister suffered from this. She ran away from home the first time when she was twelve. Stole my moms wedding ring and the engagement ring that had been passed down thru 7 generations and pawned them to buy heroin when she was 14. My poor mother went thru hell with her. She had three kids that were all taken by the state, spent 4.5 yrs in prison for possession of cocaine and at 30 yrs old, having been out of prison and sober, finally looking like she was getting it all figured out a bit, she was run over by a drunk driver at 2 in the afternoon while crossing the street, in a crosswalk. And he got less time than she did for possession. Yeah, life can be a stone cold ***** sometimes.

    Unfortunately my front row seat didn't give me any answers for you. I think others have given you some good advice, you need to heal yourself first. Find ways for your wife and you to have some space and time to just be. Cherish the good one, sacrifice the time you give the older daughter before you sacrifice hers.

    Hardest thing is to accept that it's not your fault. And no matter how bad it hurts dad, you can't fix it for her. YOU CAN"T. Help your wife to understand those things too.

    All you can do is exactly what you are doing, let her know she is loved and valued, but also that she has to respect your wife and her sister. Draw clear lines for everyone, you have 2 rules for her, help your wife and draw some lines for her to. Be there with arms wide open to help pick up the pieces but you have to stick to the limits that keep the rest of the family whole.

    Not easy brah, hopefully a good hard reality check can at least open her eyes and allow her to seek healing for herself too.
     
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  2. KeyFin

    KeyFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I mean, I'll say that I've accepted it because I know there's nothing I can do...absolutely nothing. It has to come from her. But you know as well as I do that the daily interactions are so intense when you're living in the moment and you see someone throwing their life away...I think that's the hardest part for me. She's a super-smart kid that could have such a great future.

    Looking back, I think that she's always had this. Her first best friend was a neighbor girl that we'd all want our sons to marry- not because of her looks (although she's beautiful), but because of the type of person she was/is. I can remember at 8 or 9 years old this neighbor kid would be screaming at my daughter- you can't do that, you're going to get us in trouble. Just super smart, super responsible and a total sweetheart. Looking back, I think the obsession was there even at a super-young age...she was obsessed over an awesome person though who brought out the best in her. We moved about 30 minutes away when my daughter was 12 and their relationship faded since they weren't in the same school anymore....my kid took that very hard. They're still best friends whenever they're together but they really don't see each other anymore- maybe once or twice a year.

    In high school, my kid got super close to another awesome gal BUT she started being overly dominant and demanding...and the other gal said the heck with that friendship. My kid's first stint in a facility came shortly thereafter- that's the one time she was truly suicidal I think. And even 2 1/2 years later, she still mentions that 2nd girl from time to time....she can't seem to let it go that she messed up and the friendship is over.

    I just wish there was more known about BPD....there's so much conflicting info on how/when it starts, etc. It seems like they just don't know with certainty.
     
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  3. CashInFist

    CashInFist Well-Known Member

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    Don't kick your kid out. Life is too short. You can't get back time. Work together to find a solution.
     
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  4. cuchulainn

    cuchulainn Táin Bó Cúailnge Club Member

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    Sorry you're having to deal with this, Key. I have no meaningful advice. Wished I did for you though. At least the Football season should provide a (hopefully) pleasant distraction. Meantime, take Mama out and give her some loving. :up:
     
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  5. Puka-head

    Puka-head My2nd Fav team:___vs Jets

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    How's things brah?
     
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  6. Vertical Limit

    Vertical Limit Senior Member

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    I had a friend that is a nanny and she was actually taking care of a 17 year old with the same issues your daughter is going through. She had gone through 10 other nannies before my friend took the job because she scared them all away, and eventually scared her away. The only way she was able to communicate with her, was by speaking like her, and eventually she was more responsive. But at the beginning it was rough, she was handcuffed by police at least once to twice a week for the first 2 months...

    All in all, I don't think kicking her out is the answer for your problem.

    The problem with kicking her out is that you can only assume how it will end. Sure, things may work out better for you and your wife/family at the beginning. But there's many paths it can go to..

    Best case scenario she may calm the **** down, get scared and finally behave herself to be accepted back to your home.

    worst case scenario she may feel unwanted, unloved, and possibly go through some of her suicidal thoughts (if she has them).

    She may need to be institutionalized depending on how bad it is.
     
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  7. Rocky Raccoon

    Rocky Raccoon Spirit In The Night Club Member

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    So many members already gave you some good advice, so I'll just wish you luck with a situation that clearly isn't easy. I hope it all works out in a way that shines nothing but love.

    And if you ever need someone to vent or talk to, my PMs are always open.
     
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  8. KeyFin

    KeyFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Sorry I haven't posted lately- between worrying about friends/family in the path of Irma and working, I've been buried for the past few weeks.

    Where do I start? About 3 1/2 weeks ago, we told my 18 year old that she would have to start contributing or move out. She overreacted and left that night to stay with a male friend that's 23 and still lives at home. She was there for a few weeks and called or stopped by every night saying how much she misses us, and we continually told her that she was welcome back home if she could be respectful, stop lying to us and help out a little. Each and every time she said no- she wouldn't come home under those circumstances.

    The 23 year old is a geek that's in love with my daughter, but she has no interest in him at all. So we figured that was probably a ticking time bomb and it was- although we don't really know what happened because our kid is a compulsive liar. According to her though, they went to a party in a bad neighborhood, she went outside to smoke a cigarette and some guy grabbed her and raped her in the bushes. She has lied about being raped before so we have no idea how to react, but we did bring her to the emergency room to get checked out and have them run the tests. And she says that she knows who the guy was but she won't tell us or the police- she says that she wants to deal with it instead. I'm wondering if it was the 23 year old though or if anything happened at all....it's so frustrating when you don't know what to believe.

    Anyway, she moved in with my wife's parents last week and it's a very good fit- they could use some help around the house and it gets her away from the 23 year old. They're in a small NC town about 35-40 miles from where she was staying so it's just far enough to keep her away from the wrong crowds (she still doesn't have a car). Surprisingly though, she has stopped hanging out with the major losers completely and she's reading the Bible every night, so we still have our fingers crossed. The few times she has spent the night with us, she has been fairly level headed and respectful. The calls for my wife to run across town at a moment's notice have died down as well.

    We're fighting a new war though- remember the 15 year old that was basically neglected because we spent so much time dealing with the crazy older one? Well, she doesn't like being in the spotlight at all since we're now on her all the time about school work, helping around the house, etc. She feels like she shouldn't have to lift a finger because her sister never did, which means we're going through all the arguing all over again. That's just typical teenage stuff though and we'll get past it soon enough.

    Thanks again for all the comments and advice- we went through a few really tough weeks there at the start of this. We did go to one session of counseling and the therapist wanted my wife to come back alone, but she refused. The same therapist is also seeing my 15 year old to kind of help her work through her anger issues over everything that's happened. We are trying to get the 18 year old in long-term behavioral therapy but we're still striking out with insurance...but she does seem to be doing a whole lot better now that she's away from the people who would really bring her down.
     
  9. KeyFin

    KeyFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    That's the one thing I've never understood...she's absolutely fearless. I mean, she wrecked her first car by wrapping it around a tree at 80+ MPH AND almost killed a young family in the opposite lane- and she still drives recklessly (which is why she's not driving our cars anymore).

    [​IMG]
    The first image is right before her 16th birthday- we took my old car and got custom paint, custom wheels, custom exhaust, minor overhaul, refreshed interior, etc. to make it sporty. The image below is a month later after the firemen hit the car with foam AFTER the 2nd explosion. No paint, no seats, no front end...nothing. Heck, we never found two of the wheels/tires. Folks can talk crap about a Hyundai all they want but I'm a fan for life....it took a massive hit and held together beautifully.

    She walked away without a scratch- that wreck should have killed her.

    [​IMG]

    She constantly does stuff like that though- people tell her about consequences and she flat-out ignores them. That's the part that drives us nuts. She does not seem to learn lessons like the rest of us would.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2017
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  10. CashInFist

    CashInFist Well-Known Member

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    Your daughter is protected by God, clearly. His force is powerful, and just.
     
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  11. CashInFist

    CashInFist Well-Known Member

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    Believe in God, Trust Him. You'll never lose.
     
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  12. KeyFin

    KeyFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Yeah, the one paramedic was in his 60's and said he has never seen a car that bad with someone alive in the car. Everyone there knew it was clearly a God thing- she had no business surviving.
     
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  13. CashInFist

    CashInFist Well-Known Member

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    Your daughter has something very important to do in her life, you may want to get involved more in that aspect, and help her find it, together.
     
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  14. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    We continue to pray for your family. The 15 year old sounds like a 15 year old. Be careful you don't treat the arguments with her the way you did with her older sister. They are different and should be treated that way.

    The remark that she is reading a Bible each day set off my radar. While on the surface that is often a calming habit and helps a person get connected it can also be a sign she is looking for a magic bullet to get healed. Also reading scripture is most effective when it is done with a deliberate plan or as part of a solid group. If she is open to it see if you can find a counselor who is certified through AAPC. Those folks have a great deal of training and will include a spiritual component to the counseling. Often less expensive as well. Check with your local hospital for a referral.
     
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  15. Puka-head

    Puka-head My2nd Fav team:___vs Jets

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    Good to hear from you brah, glad you are weathering the storm(s)

    But that post brings up a much more serious issue. You put a custom paint job and wheels on a Hyundai!!! What the help is WRONG WITH YOU!?

    I think you just need to stop what your doing and go to the nearest car show immediately. Maybe a years subscription to Car and Driver magazine too. Perhaps spending a few hours in meditation sitting in the drivers seat of one of those classics behind the Hyundai in the picture would be good for your soul.

    Please consider getting help immediately, you are only one step away from driving a Kia at this point and there is no saving you after that happens.
     
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  16. ToddPhin

    ToddPhin RIP Phinsational Club Member

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    Nope, and she likely never will learn. My ex still drives like a maniac, in complete disregard for rules and others' safety. She drives with a sense of entitlement, like she owns the road and others are just borrowing it from her. Can't count the number of times that she's been run off the road, cut off, had drivers cursing her out and even getting out of their cars to get confrontational with her, but if you listened to her account of the incidents, it was always the other person's fault. She constantly speeds, rides cars' arses, cuts in front of other cars, never lets anyone in front of her, tries to skip ahead of everyone when lanes are merging, and screams at slower cars in front of her doing the speed limit, but when anyone else is guilty of the same, she flips out over it- cusses at 'em, flips birds, jams her breaks hard when cars ride her arse, takes up 2 lanes to keep cars from passing on merges, cuts cars off that are trying to merge in front of her (or pushes them off the road until they're forced to get behind), and cuts in front of cars and slows down when they seem in a greater hurry than she is. More traffic tickets and accidents than I could shake a stick at, but she'll be the first to tell you how to drive and what to watch out for when she's riding passenger. Fun times.


    BTW, where in NC? I'm outside Pinehurst.
     
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  17. KeyFin

    KeyFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    My kid doesn't seem that bad- she's not vindictive on the road anyway. But she does act like the entire road is hers to do whatever she wants.....radio blaring, trying to text, etc. She's had 3 wrecks in two years (the torched car was the 1st) and picked up two or three tickets as well.

    I'm in the outskirts of Spartanburg, South Carolina and my wife's family is close to the Lake Lure/Chimney Rock area (the other side of the mountain from Asheville). Google says we're a little over 3 hours apart- I've never been in that part of the state at all.
     
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  18. ToddPhin

    ToddPhin RIP Phinsational Club Member

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    So does that make you a big Clemson fan?
     
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  19. Fin-O

    Fin-O Initiated Club Member

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    Doubt it. Key sounds like a decent human.
     
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  20. ToddPhin

    ToddPhin RIP Phinsational Club Member

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    So he's a Michigan fan?
     
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  21. KeyFin

    KeyFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nope, I'm not really into college football anymore. I do listen to a local radio show by Dabo Swinney every now and then though and I really, really like him....super smart guy and very loyal to the players. I just can't get into it anymore though since they put so much incredible pressure on college players to perform- I can remember a half-dozen seasons where UM went 10-1 and they felt like complete failures back in the 90's.

    Players shouldn't have to deal with that.....hopefully the college playoff system has changed that a little bit. I haven't watched in ages but I'd think it would be the same as before; if you're not top 4, then you miss the dance completely and can't compete for a title. I'd love for it to be the top 32 or 64 like in basketball so it's a real playoff that all major schools with good seasons have a shot.
     
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  22. Fin-O

    Fin-O Initiated Club Member

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    Gross.

    Seriously though, Dabo has built a powerhouse program as opposed to a flash in the pan (See Florida)

    Ya'll going be good for a while.
     
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