December 28, 4:15, Miami takes the field and will receive the opening kickoff. The jets (I never capitalize this word and encourage all to do the same) and their dirtbag fans are psyched because the Buffalo/New England game just went final. Bills win 24-21, after Cassell is intercepted in the end zone with :45 left in the game. All Bellicheck had to do was take a knee, but he got greedy and took a shot for a TD which was returned 103 yards for the game winning TD. After the game, Bellicheck sent a tear-stained fax to Bob Kraft, effectively resigning as the HC of the NEP. Later that day, Pioli resigned to take a job as Grand Wizzard of the Detriot Lions. But back to the game. Davone Bess returns the short kick to the 40. Chad leads the Miami offense onto the field of play. jet fans boo mercilessly. They are pissed that Favre sucks and Pennington rules, and take it out on Penny, because they are empty inside and do not know how to properly display emotion. We line up in a power formation, Ronnie is in the I formation, with 2 TE's. The ball is snapped. Play action to Ronnie. The jet safety bites on the play action. Ginn blazes past Revis. Chad has all day long to hit a streaking Ginn to the post. The ball travels 40 yards in the air, on a rope, in blustery Giants Stadium. The crowd is dead silent, except for a few thousand Dolphin Fans, including myself (I scored free tickets and am sitting at the 50 yard line with Scarlett Johanssen. We're huddled closely under a blanket, cause it's 50 degrees. I'll spare you the details of what's going on below the blanket, but suffice it to say this is my fantasy.) She gives me a celebratory kiss. I think to myself, "I like how this day has evolved." jets fans are dismayed. They are all saying to each other, "I thought Chad had a noodle-arm?" By halftime, the score is 14-10. Chad is 12/12 with 2 TDs and 170 yards. Its been a hard-fought first half. The third and fourth quarters are a defensive battle. In the game's final drive, the jets get to the Miami 35 yard line. 4th and 7. Favre drops back and Porter is closing from the blindside. Favre feels the pressure, and deftly avoids the sack by stepping up in the pocket...where Jason Ferguson pops him in the gut as he releases a wounded duck skyward, not unlike the pass the threw at the close of the first half of the first meeting between these two teams. Only this time, the ball falls towards the outstretched hands of Yeremiah Bell. Scarlett and I both scream, "knock it down", but Bell catches the ball and runs towards midfield. As he crosses the 20, he gets hit by Crotchery, and flips the ball back to Vonnie Holiday, who scores with the clock reading 00:00. Scarlett and I stay under our blanket and watch all the jet fans curse Favre's name, and long for the days of Rich Kotite. The team comes over and thanks me for being so loyal, and I am given the game ball. FIN
Not gutwrenching enough for the Pats and Jets (I capitalize this, by the way, because it's the decent thing to do; goofing on guys with small genitals is just wrong and mean, dude). First of all, I need the Pats to win by a miracle ... 10 or so laterals on a kickoff return with 0:01 to play putting them ahead by one point would do. Then I need the Jaguars to take the lead early and hold onto it for dear life. And finally I need the Jets to have a simply gorgous game with old man Favre playing like a 25 year old Dan Marino. The score's 27:21 in New York while the Jaguars hold onto a 2 point lead. It's late in the 4th quarter. So very late. The Patriots are getting excited. They are going to make the playoffs due to a miracle. And the Jets are excited as well. They finally woke up and took a slim chance and fought like men. They deserve this. They earned it. So Miami gets the ball back with 0:03 to play at their own 40. The stadium is going mad. No way noodle-armed Pennington is going to beat them with a hail mary from there. We see Fireman Ed, looking silly and very, very satisfied. The Dolphins snap the ball. Pennington steps back, looks ... and takes off. We see Fireman Ed. He's still looking silly and now he's also looking very, very confused. What the hell is going on here? Pennington makes it to midfield before the defenders, as stunned as their silly fan, react. There's a monster block by Bess. Suddenly Pennington's at the 35, 30, 25. Brandon London nearly rips Revis' head off on a block. Pennington's at the 20 and, believe it or not, here's Ginn pushing Lowery away like a ragdoll. Pennington's at the 15 ... 10 ... 5 ... but, uhoh, there comes Harris trying to save the day with a big tackle just shy of the goal line. It's a huge tackle, the sort you can feel in your teeth in front of the TV. Pennington stumbles, stretches the ball towards the endzone - and finally collapses. Silence. Absolute, total, ear-defeaning silence ... until the line judge raises both arms. Back in Buffalo, the Patriots watch in consternation. Someone flips the channel to the Ravens game as, with duly consideration, Matt Stover converts a 58 yard field goal as time expires. And somewhere in Germany, a certain Gigolo suffers a heart attack.
My december 28th fantasy (I mean besides the Phins win) is a little inappropriate for this board so I will not be posting it. And it does not involve being outside anyones windows. Or in their bushes. But it does involve a hammock, frozen yogurt & peas.
