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HUMOR - 14.1 Stats Coach Sparano Tracks

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Bpk, Nov 9, 2010.

  1. Bpk

    Bpk Premium Member Luxury Box

    Some love for coach. I admire how meticulously he stays on top of every little detail. Especially anything involving numbers. Things that don;t involve numbers, he finds ways to quantify. It's such a blessing to have such micro-analytics at our disposal for gameplanning!

    So, here are 14.1 Stats Tony Sparano Tracks Religiously

    1) Number of jockstraps used per player in wins, losses, road games, home games, breakdowns by position, weight to towel ratio, and home state.

    2) Number of times each players name is repeated by one of his co-ordinators during a meeting. Mastrud scored an amazingly low score of 1 in a recent coaches meeting while the word Mustard was used much more than usual, scoring an aberrant 63 mentions.

    3) How many times per minute he can touch the brim of his hat and kiss his thumbs on gameday, and does a higher number per minute correlate to more field goals made. He has a graph of this he made on the wrapper of a submarine sandwich.

    4) Number of seconds spent by each player walking from one drill station to the next in practice (to one decimal). Broken down by position.

    5) Number of steps taken by each player walking from one drill station to the next in practice (to one decimal). Broken down by position.

    6) Average length of cleats worn in wins versus length of cleats worn in losses

    7) Pie chart (color coded) for each player depicting varied pie flavors consumed in cafeteria and on road. Includes apple, cream, pecan, meringue and seasonal pumpkin among others. Peach pie players perform best in Wednesday practices, he's noted.

    8) Boxer briefs, Jockey Briefs, Underwear, or Commando.

    9) Average player bathroom stall visit. Time is lost when players go to the bathroom and this is unacceptable to Coach. This lost time is measured through pressure sensitive timers he had installed in the toilet seats. Buzzers blare a "Disconcerting Horn Blast" after three seconds. This will help players develop internal clock while doing "number 2". 3-2-1-FLUSH That pigskin better be out by then.

    10) The ratio of empty seats at Sun Life Stadium to Dolphins jerseys to opposing jerseys. This ratio was initially 1:2:1 but has been tipping heavily towards orange seats and opposing fans.

    11) Probability of Playoff Berth. This calculation has been depressing of late, ruining the Coach's appetite for the celery snack his wife packs him.

    12) Probability of Dismissal. This has been trending towards a seemingly inverse relationship to stat #11.

    13) Hours worked per week. This number steadily rose until no hours remained in the week. Coach is working on adding a few hours to create 25 hour days. He has filed a request with the league, and White House.

    14) Number of Things That Could Go Wrong And Must Be Avoided At All Costs. This has topped out, proving to be an asymptote with no foreseeable end. Coach still likes to write down as many as he can until he runs out of space on the walls of his office.

    14.1) Number of guys on the 53 man roster. While this one seems a no brainer, coach likes to be thorough. He's not gonna let this one slip by him with an error. Answer today: 53.

    Thanks for the great work Tony! Stay on top of things!
    dolphinfn3454 likes this.

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