Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley.' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two buttholes.' 'What? He had two buttholes?' gasped the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two buttholes.'
4 truths During these tumultuous times, people of all faiths should remember the Four Great Religious Truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
Ashes to Ashes Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my *** up just one more time." Please play nice it's only a joke... Mike
The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you, Bubba?"
i heard it with sammy davis jr and richard burton, elizabeth taylor was the "receptacle". its still funny, no matter who you are.
I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word service. Internal Revenue Service U.S. Postal Service Telephone Service Cable Service Civil Service Customer Service State, City & County Public Service This is not what I thought service meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those service agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am.
And the the fight started... My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... ------------ --------- --------- --- A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.' And then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- ------ I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started.... ------------ --------- --------- --------- ----- My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started..... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started.... ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire " while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK... I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel."
oops! you are on a bus and you have to fart. music is playing over the loud speaker so you time your farts with the beat of the music. when you come to your stop and you start to leave, you notice everyone is staring at you. thats when you realize you're listening to your IPOD.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ' Dad , why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ' Dad , I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs, they will be known as the.......... TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.....
I wanted to tell her I loved her but I couldn't cuz my mom was scared..... she said you're movin with your auntie and uncle in bel-air lmao.
rye bread Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so m uch energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves . by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this **** but me."
Air Temperatures: 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on. 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat. 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 degrees - Italian cars don't start. 32 degrees - Water freezes. 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia. 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming. 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south. 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going. 5 degrees - American cars don't start. 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts. -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside. -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist. -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start. -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start. -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your cat helps you plan your trip South. -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 degrees - Hell freezes over.
A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing. Her husband groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?" She tells him that she has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a **** auction. She said, "They had BIG ones there that were 12 inches long and big around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars. She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long ones that were slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000 dollars. The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there any at the auction like mine?" She says, "Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for a quarter..." He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep. Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing. The wife asks him, "what in the world are you laughing about?" He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a ***** auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were selling for $50,000 dollars. He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going for $42,000 dollars. The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine? He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no ... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"
Tree Hugger A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."
Subject: WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS Dear Walter,I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine ... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.I hope this helps, WALTER
Welfare office This guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job" The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . .. you started it."
Jack sets Bobby up to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Bobby is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly and scary?" says Bobby, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Jack says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh! ' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Bobby knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh! "
Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy: ...I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the Colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND !!!!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies . I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous ..Then, on the day before my Colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons..) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, < BR>state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,' What if I spurt on Andy ?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full " Fire Hose Mode . " You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand . There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade . I f you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. COLONOSCOPIES Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies : 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' 13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.' And the best one of all.. 14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here.
The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said, "Joyce and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today. Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they hired him to model Jockey shorts." Her husband said, "So?" Then Mary said "her husband could go so long and hard that they hired him to model condoms.""I hope you stood up for me," he said. "I did," his wife replied." I told them you could be a model, too." "Thank you." " "If," she went on, "anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper too, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?"
Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!" The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris replied. To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'"
George was sitting quietly reading his paper when Marsha walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" George asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Beth written on it," Marsha replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Beth was the name of one of the horses I bet on," George explained. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry," Marsha said. "I should have known there was a good explanation. " Three days later George was watching a ball game on TV when Marsha walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, George asked, "What the heck was that for?" Marsha replied, "Your horse called."
The Polite way to Pee During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner." The teacher fainted...
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. "235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"
Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, 'What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?' The two guys reply, 'Well, you know, we're from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.' The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and S creaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.' The two Illinoisans reply, 'Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.' The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. 'I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?' The Illininoisans look at the devil in surprise. 'Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean one thing.......... THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!
50th Wedding Anniversary Surprise A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. 'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.' 'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.' Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.' 'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.' Then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.' After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.' The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?' 'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'
The Smith's & the Jone's were playing poker one evening. Mr. Smith accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Mrs Jones wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Mr. Smith upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Mr Smith went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Mrs Jones followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Mr Smith courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Mr Smith confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband works Friday afternoons and Mr Smith doesn't, He should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Mr. Smith showed up at the Jones house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Mrs Jones the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Mr Smith quickly dressed and left. As usual, Mr Jones came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Smith come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Mrs Jones answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Mr Jones with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. Smith came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. 'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock, the drunk replied.. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. . The three stood looking at one another for a moment....... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
