The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league, and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US . Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason. Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time." The young Iraqi is very upset."What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry? You're Sorry? !!" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant owned by my brother. Walk that way, he'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped "I found it alright. He wouldn't let me in without a tie."
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives
(Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! ) Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well! I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED!!The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds!!!
21 Economic models explained with cows... SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milka way… TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milkt hemselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows.. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy…. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now...Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire... Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says... "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight... But remember that this happens only once... Ok?... Don't think about it or ask me to do this again." The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars..."The wife's face slowly turns red with anger -- "Damn that *****... When SHE was pregnant... I only charged her husband fifty!"
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage
The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night .' The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his *** and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'
The California Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards the city of San Diego . For the first offense, they give you two Chargers tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them. Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A. The Chargers. Q. What do the Chargers and Billy Graham have in common? A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ.' Q. How do you keep a Charger out of your yard? A. Put up a goal post. Q. What do you call a Charger with a Super Bowl ring? A. A thief. Q. What's the difference between the Chargers and a dollar Bill? A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill. Q. How many Chargers does it take to win a Super Bowl? A. Nobody knows and we may never find out. Q. What do the Chargers and a possum have in common? A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road. A friend sent me this, and she is a huge Bears fan from Chicago.
Medicine Irish Style A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the s econd one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Thunderin' Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit ( well more than a bit ) we had a snuggle and she asked me if I ever had a "Sportsman's double?" What's that? "I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said. "Oh." I said as my mind began to embrace the idea, "No, I haven't" and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night' I went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mom you still awake?"
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend on all fours, mount her from behind, and reach around and cup her breasts in your hands. Then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's,' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds."
A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day. The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language. The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam." When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls." Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner. When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!"
In honour of Christmastime When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel stuck on top of the Christmas tree . .
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm Scottish and I am a golfer"' says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well." "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who said my Da's deid?" The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?" "He's 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too." "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who said my grandad's died?" Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?" "He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?" "Who said he wanted to?"
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here, that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcome r. 'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule, that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm out of here.'
Advice From Dr Phil I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now. Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Two pals from the army meet in the street: HI! We haven't seen each other so long, what's up? I got married, you know. That's great, we've got to celebrate that somehow. Come to my place tonight so we'll have a small orgy. Well, how many people are gonna be there? If you come with your wife - three
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and aid, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his *** up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse, quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?" He tells her. She looks at him appraisingly and decides he's just tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just the thing for you!" He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him. About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense... he writes out a prescription for a sedative and says, "That'll be $150 for this visit." The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $50 cure!"
A young woman went to and evening class to improve her sexual capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked. The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange." The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically, "but what is the chalk for?" "When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your *** and write 'Mississippi' on the black-board twenty times."
Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to do about sex (one would have thought it's intuitive, but there you have it). They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to undress and get on the bed and he would show them what to do. The young woman undressed as she was told by Maury and preceded to get on the bed. Experienced Maury then began to show them the steps involved in making love, in every possible position. When he was finished, he said to Pauly, "Now you can take her home and practice what I have shown you." The young woman said, "Wait a minute Maury, show him again what to do... he is a little forgetful."
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Mum, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...... Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son, Paul P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you - call me when it's safe to come home
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart *** student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
These are notes written by PARENTS in an Arkansas school district.. (Spellings have been left intact.) 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take pe today. please execute him. 2. Please exkuce Mona for being absent she was sick and I had her shot. 3. Dear school: Please ecsc'S Johnny's being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. 4. Please excuse Lorrie from jim today. she is administrating. 5. Please excuse Ronald from p.e. for a few days. yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6. Todd has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7. Carl was absent yesterday because he was playing football. he was hurt in the growing part. 8. Meg could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chri! s will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse Gary Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11. Please excuse Peter from being absent yesterday. he had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. 12. Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. he had diarrhea, and his boots leak. 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14. Please excuse Jack for being. it was his father's fault. 15. I kept Bill home because she had to go christmas shopping because i dont know what size she wear. 6. Please excuse Jenny for missing school yesterday. we forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. we thought it was sunday. 17. Betty won't be in school a week from Friday. we have to attend her funeral. 18. Please excuse Jonathan for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 19. Please excuse Mandy for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 20. Please excuse Terry. She has been sick and under the doctor.
-- Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly. -- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone. -- Man who run in front of car get tired. -- Man who run behind car get exhausted. -- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. -- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. -- Man with one chopstick go hungry. -- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails. -- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. -- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk. -- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left. -- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need to give you an anesthetic." The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth." The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!" The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life. Just pull the tooth." The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The dentist said, If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I would like to know about it." The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when Thursday came, all were tired but me, so I went out by myself. When I got about four miles from the cabin, I realized I had to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there. I tucked behind a tree and dropped my pants and squatted down to go. I didn't see the trap , and when I squatted, my privates dropped in the trap and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them." The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the second experience?" The man replied, "When I ran out of chain on the trap."
On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, Morris stood on the first tee at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying. "You bastard!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good rotten damn stinking bastard!" "What's your problem Sherry ?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told you only if it rained."
An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her own. "It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl, but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with." "I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. > > He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. > > The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' > > The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never danced, > and I've never wanted too.' > > A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. > > When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double click's carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watc hed as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands. > > The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ***?' > > The young bully swallowed hard and said, > 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.' > > There are two lessons for us all here: > > 1. Don't waste ammunition. > > 2. Don't mess with old people.
It was the first day of school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S*** this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little s***. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s***, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".
