hinckley to be released: Hinckley to be released You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley , reports to have intercepted this past weekend: To: John Hinckley From: John McCain My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout. My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man. Best Wishes, John and Cindy McCain PS: Barack Obama has been ****ing the **** out of Jodie Foster. Thought you should know
The postal carrier was finishing his last day on the job when a woman invited him into her home for a hot lunch to bid him farewell. After the meal the woman came on to him, then took the postman upstairs and had her way with him. On the way out the door, the woman handed him a dollar. the postman asked, "What's that for?" "Well, I must admit the lunch was my idea," the woman said. "But when I told my husband it was your last day, he said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar!'"
Costume Party A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
I was going down an elevator with three or four women, all of whom were strangers to me. At the first floor, I automatically stepped to one side to let them all off. As the last one preceded me, she turned and said, "When Women's Lib takes over, you'll get off first." "Listen, lady," I said, smiling, "I'm a Woman's Lib-er myself. I want all women to be free." "You do?" she said, rather astonished. "Yes," I said. "I hate it when they charge."
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her lots of questions, couldn’t get a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" asked the psychiatrist. "Very angry," she replied. The psychiatrist said, "Well, that's interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex—that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was looking in through the window."
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the ' Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. After all, how hard could he kick, So he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old S O B.... Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A lady and a gentleman were arguing on every subject they discussed. Said the lady, "Sir, we cannot agree on a single thing." You are wrong, Madam," he said. "If you should go into a room in which there were two beds, one with a woman in it and the other with a man in it, with whom would you sleep?" "Why, with the lady, of course." "You see; so would I."
A redneck from georgia decides to travel across the south to virginia to see god's country. When he gets to franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job!!!! He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day!!! They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." the redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a whitepine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." the foreman is impressed!!! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet." the foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy,he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!!!! One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one?" before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says,"white oak, 242 board feet at best." the foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there?" "i want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!!" the foreman thinks to himself, "idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?" when bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white x on the trunk. He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk."that thar's the front," the redneck says. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, how in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" the good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "cuz somebody took a s**t behind it!" he got the job and is now the foreman!!!!!
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot....
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer. Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac? Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone! Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Submarine Service about a lieutenant who inspected his sailors and told the COB (Chief of Boat) that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. “Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately.” He went into the crew quarters and said, “The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy you change with Brown,and Witkowski you change with Minotti. Get to it.” The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better
I got this one in an email today at work... I got a chuckle out of it ---- There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am . The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up th at there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.? He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'? The boy replied, 'What turkey?'? The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'? The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'? The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.? If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'? The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his a$$ and let him go!'
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?'' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats. Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's' names.' ' Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.' In disbelief, the case worker says 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?' Their momma replied, 'Well, yes. It makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all come runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's runnin into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' ' Then I call them by their last names.'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brothe r if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
Why I fired my secretary Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they sat together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that she was eating a ham sandwich. He said, " Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?" She said, " I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more turkey." He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating turkey sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She screamed "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and the gizzards!"
2008's First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor." Testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this woman and I were drinking in a bar & she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I showed her."
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. 'Damn, Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims. 'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.' says Bob. 'What do you mean?' Jim asked. 'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night Rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.' Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!' 'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?' Jim said, 'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.' 'Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed. 'Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening !' MORAL: You gotta' follow the recipe!!!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter.'
Biker Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny ... keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's ***** is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that, are you?" Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
Subject: That's how the fight started...... When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.... 2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.... And that's how the fight started. 3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability, too'......And that's how the fight started..... 5: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started..... 5: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' ......And that's how the fight started..... 6: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, if you're not "Happy" then which one of the 7 are you?'
She was a middle-aged matron, and Rob was in his twenties. They had met at a cocktail party, and now she had finally convinced Rob to come visit her at her apartment. As she lured him into her sumptuous bedroom, she promised: "Tomorrow I'll send you a little present. If you're really good, you'll get a Cadillac. If you're fair, it'll be a Pontiac. And if you're just so-so, you'll get a Ford." Some four hours later, as young Rob was adjusting his pants, he asked: "Well, how was I?" "You'll know in the morning," she replied, "when the mailman delivers the pair of roller skates."
Now that the election is over, Sarah Palin is going to do her very best to show there is no animosity about losing the election. She has invited both Obama and Biden on a moose hunting trip. She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the prehunt party
A couple was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband insisted the lights be turned off. After 20 years, the wife felt this was stupid and figured she would break him out of his crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband making love to her with a dildo. She becomes outraged. "You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you lie to me all these years? Explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly says, "I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something ......'a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again ..... 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra .... I'm still not hungry.' 'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'-------
A rabbi and a priest are riding on a Subway train when all of a sudden the Preist turns o the Rabbi and says "Tell me something Rabbi, have you ever eaten a ham sandwich?" The Rabbi puts down his newspaper, looks around and says "Yes, yes I have". A few moments alter the rabbi asks the preist " Tell me something Father, have you ever had sex with a woman before?" The priest puts down his newspaper, looks around and says "Yes, yes I have". The rabbi then says "Sure beats the hell out of a ham sandwich doesnt it?"
Q. Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? A. Italians don't like any Witnesses!!! Q. Why aren't there Irish Lawyers? A. They cant pass the bar!
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** **'Hello?'** **'Hi honey.** **This is Daddy.** **Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.** **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,** **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,** **Right now..'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.** **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy** **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later** **The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' ** 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser** **And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window** **And into the swimming pool.** **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** **Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ...........** **Is this 486-5731?'* **No, you have the wrong number........*
Subject: CHP vs USMC Top this for a speeding ticket. Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style: Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.
Tarzan and Jane Jane and Tarzan When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.' Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'
Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway on the opening day of deer season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came by slowly. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession had passed. Of course, by then, the deer was long gone. The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!" The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years."
