Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving ta rget.& nbsp; I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
At the retreat, Jenn and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words "sex" and "love." Jenn wrote, "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another." And John wrote, "I love sex."
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon deciced to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daugthers and one healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. ' I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out, ' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. ' Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.' It's okay said the mom, I know what happened you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out. ' No, ' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, [even if retired you have those sometimes] try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. ' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.' HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE REAR THAN YOURS!
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the > Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. > He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' > St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a > Lie-Clock. > Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.' > 'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?' > 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating > that she never told a lie.' > 'Incredible,' said the man'. And whose clock is that one?' > St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands > have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire > life.' > 'Where's Senator Obama's clock?,' asked the man. > 'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. > 'HE's using it as a ceiling fan.'
a teacher asked one of her speech impaired students to use the word dictate in a sentence. the boy answered, "everytime i go on a date with my girlfriend i always ask how my DICTATE"
"First Day of School" A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
flyin cajun air Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreau was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel. Well, Pierre don't know nutin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!" "Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about nutin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are an whas you position?" Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane." "No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude an where you location?" Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!" "No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!" Pierre he start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine, we got four feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!" A long pause---de silence was deafenin. "We needs to know who you next of kin..."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
~ Two Little Boys ~ After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. ' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger. 'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said. 'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'
I have been on an ambulance in Trenton for a few years. One of the places that we were frequently called to was a nursing home in town. we were in there so much that we got to know the staff and even some of the patients pretty well....especially John. John was "with it" but just a little too old to live alone and take care of himself. Over time he got to know some of our faces, including mine, and would always say hello when he saw us coming down the hall. Well, one day, as we're picking up a patient I saw John walking down the hall with a really depressed look on his face and I asked him, "What's the matter John?" John's response was, "My dick died." I said "What?" His response once again was, "My dick died." I was in a hurry and didn't have time to chat about it so I just said that I was sorry to hear it and kept going. A few days later we were back in the nursing home again for another patient when I see John walking down the hall and I notice that he is "exposed." I said, "Do you feel a draft John?" And he just looked puzzled and said, "What?" I leaned over so as not to embarrass him and said, "John, your ***** is hanging out of your pajamas." He looked at me and said, "well I told you my dick died right?" And I said, "yeah." His response, "Well today's the viewing."
Taking Mother To Nursing Home One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."
turpentine vs holywater A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ***, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.' __________________
another blond joke A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears Strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, Sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but Just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. 'You rotten '*****', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!' __________________
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, 'Are you looking at my $****?' 'Yes, I'm sorry,' says Joe and promises to avert his eyes. 'It's quite alright,' replies the woman, 'It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.' Sure enough the $**** blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder $**** can do. 'I can also make it wink,' says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the $**** winks at him. 'Come and sit next to me,' suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, 'Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?' Stunned, Joe replies, 'Good grief! Can it whistle, too?'
A husband came home to find a total stranger, in bed with his wife so he rushed outside and grabbed his shotgun. 'It's alright, it's alright' said the stranger. 'I'm a doctor, I'm taking her temperature. ' The husband pulled back the hammers on his shotgun. 'Well, that thing better have numbers on it when you take it out.'
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
just got this in an email... I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I want to be President." Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people." "Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house." Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While her Mom glared at me the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50 dollars?" And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her folks still aren't talking to me.
OK, the mods can delete this if they see fit, but I laughed too hard not to at least give it a shot. Cowboy In A Gay Bar A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your *****?" The cowboy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your *****. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX" The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink. Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my ***** is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!
One of my all time favortite jokes... A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers. He was testing to see if the students in his class could associate color with taste. He passed out life savers one color at a time and told them them to taste it, look at it, and then say what flavor it was. The children began to say: "Red............cherry," "Yellow.......lemon," "Green.........lime," "Orange.......orange," Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers. (the clear ones) After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. The children begged for a clue but the teacher told them to think about it some more. Another five minutes went by with no guesses so the teacher gave in. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh, my God! They're a**holes!!!
WAYS TO ANNOY EVERYONE 1 Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 2 In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage. 3 Specify that your drive-through order is "to go. 4 If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 5 Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 6 Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up. 7 Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think. 8 Practice making fax and modem noises. 9 Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss. 11 Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 12 Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 13 Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 14 Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 15 Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 16 Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 17 Staple papers in the middle of the page. 18 Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 19 Honk and wave to strangers. 20 Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 21 TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. 22 type only in lowercase. 23 dont use any punctuation either 24 Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.. 25 Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 26 As much as possible, skip rather than walk.. 27 Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 28 Ask people what gender they are. 29 While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 30 Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 31 Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 32 Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 33 Tell your friends, four days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood!
There was a competition to swim across the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Three women entered the race, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 6 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms...
nutrition stats After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer Heart attacks than us. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer Heart attacks than us. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer Fewer heart attacks than us. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and Suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and Fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever the hell you like. Speaking En glish is apparently what kills you, but the U.S. Government is trying to correct the problem
I'm inventing a new kind of joke. Its called a 3-2-1-0 joke. Follow along, and then make your own. Three -> The number of times the Pats won the super bowl. Two -> The number of times the Pats lost the super bowl. One -> The number of injuries it takes to cripple a franchise. Zero -> The number of teams the Pats will dominate this year.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so Saint Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Elizabeth the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't?" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
How can women say men aren't sensitive? A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.
Old Onion. Goody though... Marilyn Manson Now Going Door-To-Door Trying To Shock People | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Your application to join our online dating agency has been rejected. One of the questions was 'What do you like most in a woman?' 'My Dick' is not an appropriate answer !
The Brits are angry with us To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Alaska, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S .English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!
A Lawyer and a Redneck A Lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other in an airport. The Lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could put one over on him easily...So the Lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Lawyer persists, "the game's a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500!", he says. This catches the rednecks' attention, and to keep the Lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The Lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word....reaches in his pocket....pulls out a five-dollar bill....and hands it to the Lawyer. Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the Lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The Lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the internet. He calls some friends and sends out e-mails to others that are smart like him, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The Lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. Right before their plane approaches the gate, he wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The redneck, picks up his bags, reaches in his pocket, hands the Lawyer $5, and boards the plane.
