Official Joke Thread

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose

 

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient,
"How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got
the following reply. "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess
I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter
who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in
love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my
stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son
who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the
half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's
wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy,
she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother
to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my
wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother.
Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.But hold on just a
few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother,
I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also
my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in
this place?" After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face,
the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

 

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.
No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the manobjects.
'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of
having the gas mask onis suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection totaking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!!!
'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you somethingto hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'

 

A rather well built woman spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bikini. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered, little assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!" "What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."

 

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands
constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to
cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for
the rest of their marriage. While getting ready for work, she writes
on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never
ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So
I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T',
to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be
mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and
let me know if my request is too demanding of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and
sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved
husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal
when he reads it. Upon returning home, she glances at the
refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a
note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realise that I
was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of
listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the
letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY,
I am waiting for you upstairs."

 

A guy was alone on an elevator with a woman when he turned to her and said:

"Excuse me, can I smell your *****?"
"No, you can not!" she snapped.
"Oh, then it must be your feet."

 

Three little boys bragging about their dads

Three little boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first boy said "My Dad smokes and he can blow big smoke rings."
The second boy said "Oh yeah? Well, MY Dad can blow smoke out of his ears!"
The third boy, not to be outdone, said "That's nothing! MY Dad can blow smoke out of his ***!"
"Wow!" said the first two boys. "Did you ever see him do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains in his underwear."

 

CELEBRATING 50 YEARS OF MATH! THE EVOLUTION OF AMERICAN EDUCATION!
Yesterday I purchased a meal at Long John Silver's for $4.58. The countergirl took my $5 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1957
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1967
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1977
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Di d he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1987
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1997
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

Laff my coulo off!

 

I have a good one!!!


Tom Brady

 

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,
"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it,
even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about
ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend
it about twenty degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and
now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."

 

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK' and went back outside to play with the other Kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 

My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...



A f r i c a n Elephant

 

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician, Mike thought it was George,
but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a
positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Rob
and Bobby. Rob: "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Rob
looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George."
Thinking the incident strange, Mike straightened up the body
and said nothing. He brought in Bobby. Bobby: "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp.
Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain't George." Mike: "How can
you tell?" Bobby: "George had two *** holes." Mike: "What? How could
he have two a$$ holes?" Bobby: "Everybody knew George had two a$$ holes.
Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say,
"Here comes George with those two a$$ holes!"

 

Jim went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. the doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose. 'Why
not?' asked Jim.' Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor. 'But
I need it really bad,' said Jim.' Well, why do you need it so
badly?' asked the doctor. Jim said, 'My girlfriend is coming into
town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is
coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.' the doctor finally relented saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you
have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if
there were any side effects.' On Monday, Jim dragged himself in,
his right arm in a sling. the doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
Jim sobbed, 'No one showed up!"

 

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and
notices the beer is kind of warm. so he mentions something to the bartender,
who tells him to chut up and just drink his beer. Then it is time to pay
and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy
throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed and is
on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves. The next
day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill.
The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business" and lets him in.
Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note. The bartender
goes to the register to get the change, but instead
of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes, turns and
and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says:
"there is your frickin change!" The man looks around and remains
quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter
and says: "I'll have another beer!"

 

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his
wife and said, "Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and
Sad all at the same time." She said "You have the biggest
dick of all your friends."

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to

tell their stories.
Johnny, do you have a story to share?
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had
was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
break and then her parachute landed right in the middle
of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out
of bullets, killed four mo re with the knife, till the blade
broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher.
'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this
horrible story?
''Stay the f--- away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.

 

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

 

Marsha was reading a newspaper, while John was engrossed in a
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," Marsha
said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap
his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," John
said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Marsha said,
"Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," John said.
"How sweet," Marsha said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half
over," John said.

 

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hens, called pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

 

The Worm

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandfather one weekend, because his grandpa feels it's about time they spent some quality time together.

While sitting out on the boat, the boy notices the grandpa pulling out a big beautiful Cuban cigar from his coat pocket. He proceeds to bite off the tip, light it up, and start puffing away. The boy watches in amazement; then, without knowing any better, he blurts out, "Hey Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

The grandpa smiles and says, "well, can your dick touch your a**hole?"

The little boy frowns and says, "well, no grandpa, it can't."

The grandpa sits back and says, "boy, you're not a man yet, so you can't smoke one of these!"

The two continue to fish for a while without speaking. Later on, the grandpa reaches into the cooler and pulls out a freezing-cold can of Budweiser, cracks it open, and begins to chug it. The little boy watches in amazement; then, without knowing any better, he blurts out, "Hey Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

The grandpa smiles and says, "well, can your dick touch your a**hole?"

The little boy frowns and says, "I already told you, grandpa, it can't."

The grandpa sits back and says, "boy, you're not a man yet, so you can't drink beer!"

The boy almost begins to argue, but then he holds his tongue and proceeds to continue fishing.

A little while later, with not a single bite on their lines, the two give up and head into shore. While filling up the truck at a gas station, the grandpa decides to buy a couple lottery tickets, considering the jackpot has reached $50 million. He give one to his grandson and keeps one for himself. Of course, the grandpa wins nothing. But the little boy wins all $50 million! After seeing that his grandson had won, the grandpa smiled and said, "well now, you're going to share some of those winnings with your old grandpa, aren't ya?"

The little boy looked up and said, "well, can your dick touch your a**hole?"

The grandpa stood up proudly, fists on his hips, and stated, "why, yes it can!"

The little boy said, "well... then you can go f**k yourself."

 

A rather large gentleman whose name was Paul was married to a woman who was as heavy as he was, if not more so. They had two children. All their friends quietly wondered how they had managed to conceive.

One evening at the bar a friend of Paul's got up the nerve to ask him, how it was possible that he and his wife conceived their children, being as large as they are.

"You guys with small ***** are always asking me that!"

 

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At
the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the
African that in Russia they have a custom performed at
farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's
courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber,
gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and
pulls the trigger.....CLICK.....empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says,
"Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the
ritual .... CLICK....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country.
At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian
peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette"
and that he has spent the last year devising an African
ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then
disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes
later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the
room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has
ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one
of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of
test of courage is this?! "
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal!!!!"

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing
our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going t o be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken" .

 

I got this from ElCajonJeff.

_____Bob the Thoughtful Husband....___________________________

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Diane. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Linda to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't
yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when
she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club so eating out twice is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or
even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Diane. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even
if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Signed, Bob


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Bob died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says
he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a
sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Diane was arrested and charged with
murder The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defense that Bob somehow, without looking, accidentally sat
down on his golf club.

 

I'm going to eliminate the Editor's note, print this and tell my wife that yes, I will try to be a better husband and follow some guidelines. I'll give her a copy so she'll see how good things will be.

I may not be on again for a while.

 

Best of luck with that.

 

Scenario:
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal- Mart to get som ething to help complete the job..


Depending on your age you might do the following:


In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.


In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and i t says, 'I Got Worms.'


In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.


In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

The Elevator

A guy steps into an elevator and there's just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me." She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your ***** is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."

 

thank you...VIAGRA....

 

cha-ching!