Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Blonde gets a job at the tickle me Elmo factory. First day there another guy goes to the foreman to complain about her. "The new woman is sewing marbles to the Elmo's crotch", says the guy. The Foreman looks at him in amazement, ponders what he has heard then rolls his eyes when he realizes what has happened. He goes to the Blonde and tells her " No, no, I told you your job was "Test Tickles, Test Tickles!!"
Three men Terry, Andy, and Danny were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from Canada, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Andy had married a woman from the Philipines. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man Danny had married an American girl named Kim. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. Danny said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
So there were these two kids talking about who's parents were better. The first kid says, "My dad is better then yours, he can kick your dads ***" The second kid replies with "No he couldn't, my dad can lift a truck!" The first kid says "Well my dad can lift our house!" The second kid now dumbfounded says "Yeah...well...My mom is better then your mom!" The first kid smiles and says "Yeah, my dad says that too"
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Anytown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, and so on. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
A guy is out with buddies. He has few drinks served by a gorgeous barmaid, but being a true-to-his-wife kind of guy, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. She awakes with a start, spits out the tablets, and demands to know, "What did you put in my mouth?" "Two aspirin," he says. "But I don't have a headache!" she says, a bit irritated. "That," he says, sliding in next to her, "is all I wanted to hear."
Agatha and Ryan were spending their honeymoon at the home of the bride's parents. Three days went by, and Agatha's young brother Jeffrey, a mechanical whiz kid, asked his mother why the newlyweds hadn't left their room, even to come down for meals. "It's not of your business," she replied. A few more days passed, and the mother began to worry, too. Then she heard a commotion overhead, dashed upstairs to see what was going on, and discovered it was only Jeffrey rummaging through the bathroom. "What are you looking for?" she inquired. "Just my airplane glue," said the boy. "I've been keeping it in the Vaseline jar."
Oldie but a goodie.... A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."
One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's balls and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant
Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
A family is driving in their car on holiday. A frog is crossing the road and the husband somehow manages to stop the car without hitting it. He gets out and carries the frog to the side of the road. The frog is very grateful and thanks the man, telling him that he will grant him a wish. So the man says, "Please make my dog win his next race. The frog looks at the dog, which jumped out of the car, and notices that the dog has only three legs. He tells the man that it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man make another wish. The man says, "Well, then please help my wife will win the next beauty contest she enters." The frog asks the wife to get out of the car. The wife comes out of the car and walks over to the frog. The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I have another look at that dog?"
Little Jenny had little interest in Sunday School and usually slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Jenny," she said, "who created the universe?" When Jenny didn't stir, Little Johnny, who was sitting in the chair behind her, jabbed her in the backside with a pin. "God Almight!" shouted Jenny. "Very good," said the teacher, and Jenny fell back asleep. Twenty minutes later, the teacher asked Jenny, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Jenny remained sound asleep until Little Johnny came to her rescue again by prodding her sharply with the pin. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Jenny. "That's right," said the teacher, and Jenny went back to sleep. Ten minutes later, the teacher asked Jenny a third question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Once again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time, Jenny jumped up and shouted "If you stick that effing thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your arse !" The teacher fainted.
An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees, what a powerful river, what beautiful animals," he thought. As he walked, he heard rustling behind him. Turning, he saw a 13-foot tall brown bear charging toward him. The man ran as fast as he could, but the bear was rapidly closing on him. He tried to run faster yet, but tripped and fell. The bear was right over him, raising its paw to strike, and he yelled, "Oh, my God!" Suddenly, time froze. The bear froze. The forest was silent. A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from above, "You deny my existence all these years, and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" The atheist looked into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said God. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped onto its knees, brought its paws together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive. Amen."
A man is wandering around a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Crisco!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named Crisco?" the clerk asks. "No," he answered, "That's the name I use for her when we're in public." "What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" asks the clerk. "Lard ***."
At school one day, the teacher said: "Today, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Now, does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny put up his hand. "Me, MIss Johnson, me, me!" "All right, Johnny," said the teacher. "What is your multi-syllable word?" "Mas-tur-bate," he replied. "My!" said Miss Johnson, blushing. "That's a mouthful!" "No, Miss Johnson," Little Johnny said, "you're thinking of a blow job."
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained tha t although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small *****. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife , "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?" She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times." Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks. Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?" Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney. And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?" Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?" Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?" Yes, of course," said Sidney. "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?" Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?" Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?"
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk t o her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The ! gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
- You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. - At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' -A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine. -When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. -A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished . -A little boy asked his father,'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying. -A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied,! 'That happens in every country, son.' -Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.' -If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say-talk in your sleep. -Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death' AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it> overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.
Why is a ***** constructed with a knob on the end? Three college boys waiting to take an anatomy exam to get into the University of Texas Medical School were ask the same question: "Why is a ***** constructed with a knob on the end?" UT student: "So there's minimal strain on the man." Baylor student: "To make it more comfortable for the woman." Texas Aggie:"To keep your hand from slipping off."
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Once there was this rich Israeli heiress. And she wanted a husband. She advertised in the "Tel Aviv Tims" saying, So after going through several candidates, none of whom met every criterion, there came a knock at the door. They young Israeli heiress opens the door and there stands a tall dark and handsome young man in Israeli paratrooper uniform. His chest is full of medals and combat decorations, but he had obviously been wounded. He had no arms. The young woman said to the man, well I see you're tall, dark and handsome and you're obviously a war hero. But you don't have arms, how could you be any good in bed? The young Israeli paratrooper answers - "How do you think I knocked on the door?"
Herman on the highway There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
First timer A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
On his 60th birthday, the man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the shaman, and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.' He was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?''Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But beware, when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. 'He was eager to see if it worked. He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was very excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?' And THAT, boys and girls, is why we should NEVER end our sentences with a preposition
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard , spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Little Johnny is at it once again A young female teacher was giving a lengthy assignment to sixth grade, a task which required her to write high on the chalkboard. As she did so, she could hear one of hte boys giggling. "What's so funny, Eric?" she asked. "I saw one of your garters, Miss." The teacher was furious. "Get out of my classroom, and don't come back for three days!" As the class settled down again, she realized she had omitted a word from the top line and reached up high on the chalkboard. Once again, she heard a boy giggling. "What's so funny, Billy?" "I saw both of your garters, Miss." The teacher was even angrier than before. "Get out of my classroom, and don't come back for three weeks!" She was now so flustered that she dropped the eraser. As she bent over to pick it up, she heard more giggling. She stood up to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she barked. Little Johnny replied: "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Magic Elevator A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'Paw, What's 'at?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, 'Boy, go git yer Momma....'
started checking this thread just recently so forgive me if this has been posted, I thought it was pretty good A store that sells new husbands has opened in the new Town Center, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Little Johnny visits Santa Little Johnny was sitting on Santa's lap. Santa put his finger on the boy's nose and, tapping out the letters, said: "I bet your name is J-o-h-n-n-y." Johnny's eyes lit up. Then Santa put his finger on the boy's nose again, and tapping out the letters, said "I bet you want a b-i-k-e." "How do you know that?" asked Little Johnny. "Because I'm Santa, and I know everything." Little Johnny thought for a moment and said: "I bet you like g-i-r-l-s." "Well, yes," said Santa. "How did you know that?" Little Johnny replied: "Because your finger smells like p-u-s-s-y!"
