Top Eleven (?) Ridiculous Dolphins Headlines I Expect to See Next

It's a slow time for Dolphins fans... a time when the media works overtime to INVENT stories. We have Armando's exagerrated saga of strife between JT and Parcells, we have in depth articles about players who won;t even make the practice squad... we are grasping at straws for content.

That's why, after seeing how the media creates stories from thin air, I am bracing to see the following eleven headlines over the next six months....


1) "Jason Taylor Enters National Spelling Bee: NFL Star prepares for life after F-O-T-B-O-L"
-Self explanatory. S-e-l....

2) "Scorpio Babers overcomes crippling fear of unicorns, gets shot at dreams"
A variation on the inspiring story of a 'nobody' who no one gave 'no' chance, overcame great adversity when no one believed in him and ultimately landed on the Dolphins practice squad, becoming an inspiration to all. There will be a two page article with the standard photo of the Scorpio and Momma on the porch of the dilapidated wooden house where he grew up, playing with a football-shaped cow-turd in the yard as a boy because they couldn;t afford a ball. The next time we see Scorpio's name in print it will be a one-liner at the bottom of Dolphins Notes reading "Kicker signed to Practice Squad. CB dropped to make room."

3) "BILL PARCELLS!"
- That's it. No actual verb, or descriptive action. Bill's mere name seems to be what sells papers, so that's all the article will be... Bill's name typed over and over again in the shape of a tuna.

4) "Jason Taylor Begins Weekly Oprah Book Club Group and Sewing Circle"
- Not busy enough, Jason seeks some quality time discussing self-help books that help him deal with his feelings of not being validated by his current boss, Edyta Sliwinski.

5) "Jake Long Visits Dade KFC for Charity Day, Accidentally Eats Child"
- After mistakenly eating a 7-year old boy at the local kids day at a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant near his home in Opa Locka, Long said "I thought they had invented a size up from the old bucket I usually order. It was only after his Mom started yelling that I realized something might be wrong." EMTs on the scene pumped Long's stomach. The boy was unharmed, though shaken. Long added, "It's a shame I had to give him back. He was actually pretty filling."

6) "Jeff Ireland Calls His Pick for Mother's Day"
- Mary-Cathy O'Shaughnessy St. Patty MacIreland got a call this weekend from her pride and joy, her son Jeff, the new GM of the Miami Dolphins. "Oh, little Jeffy called for Mothers' Day." What did the Dolphins Front Office man have to say? "Oh, he was just being Jeff" said MacIreland. "He told me he thought I had coached him up well and that my child-rearing skills showed promise, real upside. He also let me know that he loved my intangibles and that they made up for my lack of short-area burst.I didn;t understand that part." Asked to comment for this article, the filial ireland added, "She is actually the number three-rated mother on my board, but unlike players, you don;t get to pick your mother, so she's who I got. It's grown sentimental over time."


7) "Camp Notes: 3-for-1-a-days Coming"
When Dolphins training camp opens this year, players are liable to experience something a little different: Parcells' new, patented (and trademarked) 3-for-1-a-days. Players are accustomed to the practice of two-a-days, when teams run one practice in the morning, then a second one in the afternoon. These grueling, tiring days are a necessary part of toughening up for the upcoming season. The Dolphins variation, however, will have players ordering one lunch, but being provided with 3 free fast-food meals of their choice, all from Bill Parcells-approved food vendors. Parcells, a known fast food aficionado, has sponsorships lined up with Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, KFC (and Burger King on Tuesdays) to provide hungry players with the sustenance they;ll need to make it through camp.

8) "Organization Forgets Ginn On Team"

In an oversight that has lasted five months (since January), and spanned the breadth of the entire Dolphins organization, the coaching staff showed up for training camp last Wednesday and were surprised to see an unfamiliar player had crashed the camp. Confronted by coaches, the player, named Ted Ginn, claimed to be under contract as an active Dolphins player. A thorough check of the roster archives revealed this to be true. Embarrassed officials began the lengthy work of sorting out which position the recently discovered player was supposed to play. Ginn practiced his first day of camp shoeless, as the equipment manager had not accounted for him and did not have an extra pair of cleats. Informed that records showed he was our place-kicker, Ginn spent the remainder of the day kicking pigskins barefoot, showing spotty accuracy.


9) "Ross Shows Up in Owner's Box, Demands Half Huizenga's Wings"
- An unruly, belligerent Stephen M. Ross showed up at a Dolphins pep rally this weekend, during the on-the-field presentations. While Wayne Huizenga was presenting the "Fan of the Year" award to Jasper T. Muttontit at the 50 yard line, Ross burst into the box and began demanding half of everything. Spotting a basket of chicken wings, Ross helped himself, despite being informed they belonged to Huizenga, who had indicated a desire to finish them after his speech. "Half of them are mine." replied Ross, while mouthing a drumstick. Ross finished the entire basket, leaving a dirty napkin behind and leaving before Huizenga's return. Ross is then said to have visited the training room's jet-baths before running away from the stadium across a field followed by his entourage. There is no word yet on Huizenga's response to the purloined fowl.


10) "Marino to De-retire"

After a short, successful sojourn as a television football analyst, Dan Marino looks ready to don the shoulder pads again. "As an analyst, I've spent time looking at the current Dolphins roster and I could easily beat out the other quarterbacks currently on the roster. That's why I'm thinking about my de-retirement-ing." At age 61, Marino's comeback would be historic, making Marino the only active NFL player with little to no ability to comprehend the concept that time flows forwards. "Time is just a word, with letters." said Marino. "And I'll take that word and pass to it and make touchdowns." Marino then continued less coherently. After hearing of Marino's decision, fellow Hall of Famer, Sammy Baugh has begun his own offseason conditioning program.

11) "Jason Taylor Found in Mop Closet"

Four weeks into the season, Dolphins star Jason Taylor has been discovered in a mop closet at the Davie facility. "I was just hanging out. There are amazing things to do in a mop closet. Lots of possibilities, if you take the time to wait for them to occur to you." The Dolphins have been searching for the 2006 NFL defensive MVP for months, never suspecting Taylor was under their very noses. "I've always been here, for the team. The key to a mop is, it's only useful if you come get it. And wet it. And maybe slide it around the floor a little." Jason is expected to play in next week's game, though movement in his field of vision and objects not resembling mops still startle him.

 

lol. Nice. Drop it on her this Sunday and let me know what she says.

Bpk