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Reorganizing the alphabet

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Samphin, Jan 26, 2010.

  1. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    So, a couple of weeks ago, I was bored (and sober...and broke) and was trying to decide what letter of the alphabet I liked best. While sifting through the crap to find the real nuggets of gold amongst our letters, I suddenly realized that a greater, far more daunting task was in front of me.

    You see, while our letters are pretty damn cool and fun to read, write and type out...I has come to my attention that the order in which we typically write out these letters is grossly outdated, and furthermore, wrong. Sure, the "traditional" layout of A, followed by B, which is preceded by C and so on makes for a permanent (and easy) place in our memories. And yes, it also made for a catchy little tune, but it is high time someone (read: me) sat down, and took the time to not only study the letters of the alphabet, but rank them in a new order.

    An order of importance. An order that, while at first, may seem odd, but that ultimately makes infinitely more sense. So that is my mission, to re-rank the 26 letters of the alphabet in an order that we can ALL br proud of. And more importantly, in an order that shows everyone the true value of each letter and the importance (or lack thereof) each one has on society. So let us begin, shall we?

    S- No real surprise here. It is widely used throughout many a word. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, the most important letter in the alphabet

    A-No real shame for the A to drop from number one to number two. Hell, even Muhammed Ali had to lose eventually, right? The letter A had a great reign as the top dog and still holds the crown as the most beloved vowel.

    M-Another very versatile letter. The M moving up in stature DOES breakup everyone's favorite part of the old version of the alphabet (don't lie you know you love to sing "ellemenohpee," as much as I do) but is necessary.

    E-It is still the second best vowel. That has not changed. What HAS changed is that it is now the fourth most important letter, superceding its previous standing as the fifth.

    R-Another very important letter. Many a fine word starts with an R. Rice, rampage, radiation. Words that starts with this letter are insta-fun and worth repeating...repeating.

    J-This may come as somewhat of a shock to people, but hear me out. If letters were furniture, the letter J might be the most comfortable letter to sit/lay/lounge in. Especially a lower case j which comes with a free pillow!

    T-Probably the most masculine sounding letter. When pronounced with its usual hard sound, it strikes fear and demands respect out of its bretheren. Yet it has a sensitive, almost soothing side to it when paired with the next letter.

    H-On its own merits, this letter may fall further down on the importance scale. But its dogged pursuit to pair up with other letters to create new and interesting sounds, is why H is ranked as high as it is. I mean how many other letters can pair up with a P and make it sound like an F? That is straight ninja **** right there!

    C-Another letter that enjoys the spice of variety. Hard and soft pronounciations alike make this letter that used to represent my GPA so accurately, worthy of its new spot.

    O-Lets be honest, there is no way the vowel I is more important than the vowel O. For far too long I have sat by and looked on in disgust as people on Wheel Of Fortune choose to purchase an I more often than an O. Honestly, what the **** do you think that word is? Biibies? The O is also the most feminine of letters. It can be used to represent mouths, boobs, wedding rings (which are super girly) and other feminine type things. Notice how the most feminine letter is still below the most masculine letter ( T ) on the importance scale.

    L-Simple to write in both its uppercase form (L) and its lower case (l), this letter is not only used a ton, but is simply a pleasure to write or type. Its only drawback is that sometimes, in its lowered state, it can be mistaken for an uppercase I, depending on who is writing.

    U-Shoved to the lower crevices of the old alphabet, this underappreciated and underrated letter has gone virtually unnoticed until recently. Its popularity has risen with the advancement of technologies such as instant messaging, texts and websites like this one. That, coupled with the laziness of all of us, has seen basic phonetic english skyrocket. YOU has become U to save both time and space. It is the Beyonce to the Y and O's Michelle and Kelly.

    B-What was once only overshadowed by the mighty A, is now mired in mediocrity. It is still a good letter...it just isn't great. The lower case version is too similar to not only the lower case D, and P, but the lower case Q as well. And why would you want to associate with losers like that, unless you were kind of one yourself, no?

    Z-Kicking off our bottom 13 letters, is the letter that used to be the kaboose. Though not utilized too often, the letter is still fun to write and makes it easy for the dumb kids by being exactly the same letter in its lower case form. Plus, you can kick some serious *** in scrabble if you happen to pick the letter.

    D-Despite its rampant use throughout our lexicon, this letter has always felt out of place to me being so high up on the list. First off, it seems to me that it copies a lot of its principles from both the B and the C. Second off...its fat. It is the fattest letter in the alphabet after the O. But at least the O has a butt. The D is fat, and flat. It is the Al Bundy of letters.

    X-Another letter that isn't used too often, but when it is, it maximizes its potential. Think about it, can you think of a word that has X in it that ISN'T cool? Sex, XXX, Maximum, Maximus, Sex...See! Impossible. Its only drawback is not being used enough.

    I-This letter is simply not a team player. It doesn't know the concept of playing well with others and is pompous enough to make you, the writer, have to use two seperate parts to put together the lower case version of it (i). What an a-hole.

    K-And never too far from I is K. The letter K to me has always been a poser. It likes to make itself feel more important but surplanting the letter C in some kases, but all it really is doing is making itself look stupid to all the other letters. K is a wigger.

    N-Furthermore, N isn't much better. N is M's little brother. The less athletic, uglier, slightly more stupid little brother. He tries to act just like his big brother at all costs, and M's friends tolerate the little punk ***, but in the end, even N knows he will never be as cool, successful or handsome as his big bro.

    G-If you can't sense a theme yet, perhaps now you will. In a shocking development, G is related to C. G is C's first cousin from Georgia (C is from California) and they look almost alike if it weren't for G's ugly mullet. Go ahead and look at the G and tell me it isn't inbred. I'll wait.

    F-While not a direct ripoff of E, it is quite obvious that this letter is at least inspired by it, which makes it suspect in nature. While possibly being the letter that starts off the best word in our language (F-U...-D-G-E), it also is responsible for a bunch of ****ty words as well (***, fungus, fluffer, etc.)

    Y-This letter is in the running for most improved, but it is still poor overall. This is like the project letter you would draft in later rounds if there was such a thing as a letter draft. He is the interior linemen that seems to have some talent, but is most likely never going to pan out, despite its versatility (it can sometimes be a vowel!)

    P-This letter loses major cool points. It is neither masculine or feminine. It is, in essence, a hermaphrodite. Need further proof? It starts off both ***** AND *****. Make up your mind, flip-flopper!

    Q- Complete ripoff of O. The only difference is that this is the male version of the O. Honestly, this letter has very little redeeming qualities. And it is way too possesive. It won't go anywhere without holding its girlfriend's (U) hand. Just a jealous, overbearing prick of a letter.

    V-Another uber feminine letter. While feminine, it is not as strong as some of her other sister letters. If you were to try to stand this letter upright, she would tip over every time. If you filled up her chalice with any type of liquid, she wouldn't be able to hold it for you as, again, Tipsy McGee of a letter would simply stumble to the side and vomit the liquid everywhere. In closing, V is a drunk, and needs help.

    W-Worst. Letter. Ever. Look at it. It is face punch inducing. First off, it is the only letter that doesn't use its own letter to spell it (double u). Second, its shape is basically a DOUBLE of the second worst letter in the alphabet. No redeeming qualities whatsoever. The W should simply hang its head in shame and accept its justified ridicule.

    And there you have it folks. Your new and improved alphabet! To simplify, here is the new order, sans explanation. I expect a complete and catchy song by morning.

    S,A,M,E,R,J,T,H,C,O,L,U,B,Z,D,X,I,K,N,G,F,Y,P,Q,V,W
     
    305, phins17, Colorado Dolfan and 9 others like this.
  2. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    "K is a wigger" :lol:
     
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  3. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    any coincidence the new alphabet starts with "SAM" ?
     
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  4. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    I agree on the S(the awesomest letter), and the W. I think its embarrassing that even the french got the letter W right, yet we think its two Us.
     
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  5. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

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    and all this time I was partial to this reordering:

    Q,W,E,R,T,Y,U,I,O,P,A,S,D,F,G,H,J,K,L,Z,X,C,V,B,N,M

    without it, it would be harder to type your masterpiece above.
     
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  6. JimToss

    JimToss Thank You Chad Pennington

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    Bravo.
    Probably the biggest waste of time ever, but Bravo.

    I still think K is the worst letter of all. K doesn't do anything that C can't do on it's own. Unless C was just such a lazy *** that it needed to hire a replacement. **** you "C," you don't see "S" complaining.
     
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  7. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    shut up kokc sukcer
     
  8. GridIronKing34

    GridIronKing34 Silently Judging You

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    That's the first thing I thought of too...
     
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  9. Frumundah Finnatic

    Frumundah Finnatic U Mad Miami?

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    I thought Sam was gonna make a funny acronym with the letters
     
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  10. JimToss

    JimToss Thank You Chad Pennington

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    I can see your avatar says that you are with KOKO. :tongue2:
     
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  11. late again

    late again Senior Member

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    Sorry sam, I don't approve.
    My last name starts with a V and now I'm even further down than before.
    Besides it's not even in alphabetical order now. :dunno:
     
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  12. MikeHoncho

    MikeHoncho -=| Censored |=-

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    5-Star thread ya got here.
     
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  13. Whitedolphin54

    Whitedolphin54 From the land of legends Luxury Box

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    How do you pronounce Z Is it as in Zebra or as in Zoo ?
     
  14. TiP54

    TiP54 Bad Reputation

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    Live from the Internet.
    failpost on my part
     
  15. Skeet84

    Skeet84 New Member

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    The N is really gettihg screwed over. The N is like Lousaka in Pro Bowl voting
     
  16. dolfan7171

    dolfan7171 Well-Known Member

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    Man you are bored.....I love it!!
     
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  17. late again

    late again Senior Member

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    I think you have to pronounce it as in xerxes now. I could be wrong though.
     
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  18. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    I have to disagree.

    The main problem is the ranking of "A" & "E". They should be swapped. I admit that "A" is the sexier pick, but it has a sub par 40 time. Not to mention the injury history and the awkward throwing motion. Its true that "A" has proven to be a winner, but many of things you look for (starts, style of offense, poise under pressure) are all really big question marks. The ceiling is high, but reality may be lower. Average does after all, begin with "A".

    "E" on the other hand, is the kind of letter you build franchises around. A four year starter, beginning as a true freshman. "E" has played in a pro style offense, never been in trouble, scored highest at his position on the Wonderlic, and is the top rated letter by pro scouts. Elite does after all begin with "E".

    If "E" and "A" is there at our spot, you have to pick "E" no question. If just "A" is there, I say trade down and try and get an "R", "O" or "G" in later rounds.
     
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  19. HardKoreXXX

    HardKoreXXX Insensitive to the Touch

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    In Canada, they pronounce it 'Zed'. I'll never forget the first time my Canadian college roommate told me he wanted to buy a Nissan 300 Zed X. I said, "you mean a ZX". An argument ensued, and I won be default because Canada is America's hat.
     
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  20. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    pffft big ****ing deal im working on re organizing the russian alphabet at the moment.....
    so far Ive got backwards 3, backwards N, weird *** looking w.
     
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  21. Section126

    Section126 We are better than you. Luxury Box

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    This is a great post, the more I think of it.

    One major problem I have with this.

    it is pretty hard to sing the alphabet in it's new arrangement. So you might have to go back to the drawing board.

    you can't end in 'W". it ruins the song.
     
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  22. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    I've thought about this, and quite frankly, I think the song melody simply will have to change as well. Perhaps to the Mickey Mouse theme? Or Yo Gabba Gabba? Not sure,but I did the hard part of making the alphabet make sense. I feel it is up to others to get a song ou to fit.
     
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  23. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    ive come to the conclusion......it should go to the "macarena" beat

    S to the A to the M to the E......R to the J to the motha ****in T..... H to the C to the O to the L UUUUUUUU....B Z-D X "yeaaahhhhh" I to the K to the N to the G....motha ****in F to the Y to the P.....Q and lets slow it down to the V, Double UUUUUUUUUUU....THHHHHATS THE S-A-M's "yyyeaaaahhhhh"

    /end perfect song
     
  24. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει


    **** you! I literally just spilled coffee all over my white work shirt. :hi5: Well done. Just record that ish.
     
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  25. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    Horsecrap.

    They didn't make the original alphabet's order because of the song.

    Step outside the box.
     
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  26. Colorado Dolfan

    Colorado Dolfan ...dirty drownin' man?

    Hi! Are you new to the lounge?

    No way "E" gets picked over anybody. :pity:

    :tongue2:
     
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  27. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    ummmmmmmmm captain obvious. sams alphabet + look at my horse = we all win on star search. stoopids.
     
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  28. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    Sick, I'm gonna call in and request you sing that on your next radio show..


    Big E uses this as his new sig in 5, 4, 3....
     
  29. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    my next radio show will be shortly.....and probably anything but sport related.....so this fits perfect

    *opens rockband on mac and begins editing stuff* :shifty::shifty:
     
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  30. Section126

    Section126 We are better than you. Luxury Box

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    well...the new macarena alphabet song has been spawned by my suggestion.

    Children of Kindergarten age will thank me for many years to come.
     
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  31. adamprez2003

    adamprez2003 Senior Member

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    this thread is what happens when you have a bong, time on your hands and Sesame Street on the TV
     
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  32. Section126

    Section126 We are better than you. Luxury Box

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    Another thing...when we learn this, we have to refer to it as learning your S.A.M.'s....

    it sounds too close to S&M or as a acronym for a extreme sex act such as Sado *** to Mouth.
     
  33. Section126

    Section126 We are better than you. Luxury Box

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    Either that, or a very uncomfortable masturbation session.
     
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  34. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    thats debatable.
     
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  35. HardKoreXXX

    HardKoreXXX Insensitive to the Touch

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    Comedy class paying dividends already I see.
     
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  36. NaboCane

    NaboCane Banned

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    [​IMG]

    The chafing...the chafing...
     
  37. Colorado Dolfan

    Colorado Dolfan ...dirty drownin' man?

    More like the parents of children of Kindergarten age will want to kick your *** for many years to come. :up:
     
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  38. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    Dude, it's "improv" class

    Oh and you stole that from me on the other site, what are you a guru or something :shifty:
     
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  39. adamprez2003

    adamprez2003 Senior Member

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    as Nancy Reagan said "Just Say No"
     

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