Official Joke Thread

Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consumate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed--I've had sex with one other man before I met you."

Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"

Sally replies, "The famous golfer--Jack Nicklaus."

They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear.

"What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

"All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."

They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.

"What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place.

Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.

"What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"Going for a cuppa."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.

"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.

"Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this damn hole!"

 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?









Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ...what is the moral to this story?



The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
.....Things are going to get ugly.

 

an email from ireland

An email from Ireland to all of our brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland , can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States .

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run!

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ye lads thinkin' over in the colonies?

 

How appropriate and how true, even if it's supposed to be funny!!

 

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?



*
*
*
*


A COMMONTATER

 

wow Cal...that was bad......

 

One of those jokes where the punchline isnt as significant as how the joke is told.

Like the "Aristocrats" joke

 

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried
to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called
his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to
sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose
and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out
of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's
so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

 

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing ?" To which the stranger replied, "I am listening to music !!"

The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen" and placed his head on her breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music ."

"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You are not plugged in!"

 

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

 

----- *THE HORTH WHITHPERER If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him? 'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.' the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'? The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but> he picks him up> again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget ' s head as far as he can up the horse's rear end, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?

 

lmao!

 

>> Raising Deer
>
> For those of you who hunt a deer, want to pat a deer, or
> anything in between ... this is too funny! Names have been removed to
> protect the stupid...
>
>
> This is an actual letter from someone who writes and farms:
>
> 'I had the idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a
> stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat
> it.
>
> The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured
> that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have
> much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right
> up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not
> 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and
> toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport
> it home.
>
> I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my
> rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
> They were not having any of it.
>
> After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked
> out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
> threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
>
> I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I
> would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but
> you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
>
> I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little
> tension on the rope and then received an education.
>
> The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just
> stand there look at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
> action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
>
> The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a
> LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range
> I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer -- I had no
> chance.
>
> That thing ran, bucked, twisted and pulled. There was no
> controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off
> my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me
> that having a deer on a rope was not
> nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
>
> The third thing I learned, the only upside, is that they do not
> have as much stamina as many other animals.
>
> A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick
> to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me
> a few minutes to realize this, since the blood flowing out of the big
> gash in my head mostly blinded me.
> At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just
> wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
>
> I figured that if I just let it go with the rope hanging around
> its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
>
> At the time, there was no love at all between that deer and me.
> At that mome nt I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the
> feeling was mutual.
>
> Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I
> had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
> various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still
> think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I
> shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in.
> I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to
> get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a
> little trap I had set before hand -- kind of like a squeeze
> chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my
> rope back.
>
> The fourth thing I learned... Did you know that deer bite? They
> do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite
> somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that
> rope and the deer grabbed
> hold of my wrist.
>
> Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse
> where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes
> its head, almost like a pitbull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper
> thing to do when a deer bites you
> is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screami ng
> and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
>
> It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
> minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
> I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that
> claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out
> of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope
> loose.
>
> That was when I got my fifth lesson in deer behavior for the
> day-- Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up
> on their back feet, strike right about head, and shoulder level, and
> their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
>
> I learned a long time ago that, when an animal-like a
> horse-strikes at you with their hooves and you cannot get away easily,
> the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive
> move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit
> so you can escape.
>
> This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such
> trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a
> different strategy-- I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
>
> The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run
> from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it
> will hit y ou in the back of the head.
>
> Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides
> being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned
> to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
>
> Lesson six... Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down,
> it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the
> danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and
> down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and
> covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the
> deer went away.
>
> So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle
> with a scope... so that they can be somewhat equal to the prey.

 

No bro. But I was thinking about him when I was reading this email.

 

Strippers and Celery


> >>> I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
> >>>
> >>> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive
> >>> woman waving at him. She says "Hello."
> >>> He's rather taken aback because
> >>> he can't place where he knows her
> >>> from. So he says, “Do you
> >>> know me?” To which she replies, “I
> >>> think you're the father of one of my
> >>> Kids.”
> >>>
> >>> Now his mind travels back to the
> >>> only time he has ever been
> >>> unfaithful to his wife and says, “My
> >>> God, are you the stripper from my
> >>> bachelor party that I made love to
> >>> on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
> >>> partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
> >>>
> >>> She looks into his eyes and says
> >>> calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. I had my whole family sitting here in tears as we read this out loud. I'm not so sure after reading it though, that you guys think of me while reading it is neccesarily a good thing.

 

What do a woman's a**hole and a 9 volt battery have in common????

Well, sometime in your past, after careful consideration......you've licked them both.....

 

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
> >>>
> >>> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive
> >>> woman waving at him. She says "Hello."
> >>> He's rather taken aback because
> >>> he can't place where he knows her
> >>> from. So he says, “Do you
> >>> know me?” To which she replies, “I
> >>> think you're the father of one of my
> >>> Kids.”
> >>>
> >>> Now his mind travels back to the
> >>> only time he has ever been
> >>> unfaithful to his wife and says, “My
> >>> God, are you the stripper from my
> >>> bachelor party that I made love to
> >>> on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
> >>> partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”
> >>>
> >>> She looks into his eyes and says
> >>> calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

FUNNY, IF YOU'VE EVER WORK IN A COPERATE ENVIORNMENT, WORTH READING


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an an tique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the> energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top o f the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut

This ends your 3-minute management course

"

 

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue. Well' he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams "Don't eat it, don't eat it, it's an *** hole!"


#1 hunting rule
Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?

 

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the

same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.


The first man said, 'My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up

in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.'


The second man said, 'My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm

going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake


The third man (Bobby) said, 'My Jim was such a good lover, I think

I'm

going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my

*** up just one more time.

 

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, thepeople of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall,opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man andthe blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have aquestion to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question. The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexicans?"


This is not to offend anyone its just a joke

 

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And, now you sir?" he asked the second man "Hmmm ... let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh sure", said Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants."

Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

 

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom, and best man, two long time
friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The Groom, looking
out over the crowd, said to best man, "You know, except for
my wife to be, my sister and my mother, I've made love to every
woman in this room." To which the best man responded, "Well then,
between the two of us we've had them all!"

 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big ****.

 

This church had a young, very big-busted
organist. The womans breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while
she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more
apparent. Unfortunately, The woman distracted the congregation considerably
- especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to
get another organist. One of the ladies, approached her very discreetly
and told the organist to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her
breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned the organist to not eat
any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will
make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a
while. the organist agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning The Preacher
got up on the pulpit and said, 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my
contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday.'