A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."
Mike moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.' 'Well, then, just give me my money back', responded Mike. 'Can't do that', said the farmer. 'I went and spent it already.' 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' ' What ya gonna do with him?' the farmer asked. 'I'm going to raffle him off.' 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' 'Sure I can', Mike said. 'Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Mike and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.' 'Didn't anyone complain?' the farmer asked. 'Just the guy who won', Mike admitted. 'So I gave him his two dollars back.' Mike now works for the government.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started.... ************************************************************************ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. Yo u migh t have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started.... *********************************************************************** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started..... *********************************************************************** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started..... -- Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...."Oh, crap....he's awake!"
This man wanted to have sex with a girl, in his office... but she belonged to someone else... One day the man got so frustrated that he went up to the giel and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said, "NO." the man said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." The girl thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her husband,... so she called her husband and told him the story. the husband says ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... the man won't even be able to get his pants down. the girl agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and husband is waiting for his wife to call. Finally after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks what happened... The wife said, "That bastard,, used quarters!"
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?' 'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and Set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?' 'About a gallon.'
Seen on Actual T-Shirts.... 1."My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. 2. "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." 3. "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them." 4. "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke." 5. "Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive." 6. "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me." 7. "Earth .. the Insane Asylum for the Universe." 8. "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine." 9. "I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing." 10. "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." 11. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." 12. "God must love stupid people. He made so MANY of them!" 13. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." 14. "It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you!" 15. "I took an IQ test, and the results were negative." 16. "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps." 17. "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?" 18. "I must be a proctologist ... because I work with buttheads!" 19 "That's it! I'm calling Nana!" (as seen on an 8-year old). 20. "Wrinkled ... was NOT one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up." 21. "Procrastinate .. NOW." 22. "Rehab is for quitters." 23. "My dog can lick anyone!" 24. "I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?" 25. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M. Bring a bottle." (On a baby-size shirt). 26. "Finally 21 ... and legally able to do everything I've been doing since I was 15." 27. "Arkansas: One million people and fifteen last names." 28. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." 29. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN. Need I say more?" 30. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes." 31. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance." 32. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" 33. "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken." 34. "He who dies with the most toys .. is nonetheless dead." 35. "Time is fun when you're having flies." .. Kermit the Frog. 36. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... Cops have nothing to go on." 37. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH." 38. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig." 40. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years." 41. "The trouble with life is there's no background music." 42. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith &Wesson." 43. "MOP AND GLOW - The floor wax used by the Three Mile Island cleanup team." 44. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 45. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk." 46. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 47. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 48 Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 49. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! 50. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
So...why DID the chicken cross the road? BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me... BILL CLINTON: I did n ot cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it no w, and will remain against it. AL GORE: I invented the chicken! NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's a cting by not taking on his CURRENT'problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road , but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interes ting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .......reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail! I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back. Same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. They Walk Among Us! I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. They Walk Among Us! One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?" They Walk Among Us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff." They Walk Among Us! I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific." They Walk Among Us! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us! My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among U s! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us! While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us! and they Reproduce, and Worst of all... they Vote!
A man is walking down the street when he sees a woman who has the most perfect breasts he's ever seen. He says to her, "Hey, Miss, would you let me kiss your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away. He runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Then would you let me kiss your breasts for $1,000?" he asks. "Listen, Sir," she says. "I'm not that kind of woman. OK?" So he runs around the next block and faces her again. "Well then would you let me kiss your breasts for $10,000?" The woman thinks about this for a moment and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit more. "OK," she says, "But just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go to the alley and she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. The man starts caressing them, fondling them, squeezing them, burying his face in them, but not kissing them. After a few minutes, the woman gets annoyed. "Well, aren't you going to kiss them?" she snaps. "Nah," the man replies. "Costs too much!"
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his ***** and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the ***** to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure? 'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his *****. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, 'How is our little tribal experiment coming along? 'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,' he replied. 'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?' 'No, it's turned black.'
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Indiana State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.' He replied ' Indiana State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car......
you make me feel!!!! you make me feel!!! you make me feel...like...a...naturallllll....women.....womennnn
Two women were chatting over coffee about their men and one lady said to the other lady, "My husband was so inexperienced with women when we first married, on our wedding night, he tried to inflate me."
black boxes in pickups The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!" However, the states of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Arkansas and Tennessee the last 15 seconds were very different. In 89.3 percent of the fatal accidents monitored by these black boxes the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Best Joke Ever PrepDogg .... Join Date: Apr 2008 Age: 28 Posts: 704 Thanks: 162 Thanked 193 Times in 137 Posts Rep Power: 18
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren''t sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man''s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it''s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
A guy went to the doctor and said: "I'm having problems with sex. I think my privates are too small." The doctor asked him what he drinks when he goes to the pub. "Er, lager," he replied, bemused. "Ha, there's your problem," said the doctor. "Lager shrinks things. You should try Guinness instead - that makes things grow." Two months later, the man returned to the doctor's office with a big smile on his face. He shook the doctor warmly by the hand and thanked him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" said the doctor. "No," replied the man, "but I've got the wife on lager."
A man walked up to his neighbor's house, and knocked on the door. When the lady opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The neighbor hid behind the door with his gun, while his wife answered the door. When the lady was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!" The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"
Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom
what a beautiful dog, i love collies but my wife hates big dogs. i did the next best thing, we had three shelties.
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?' All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside the road in tears. I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?" Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk. "****, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car," I level-headedly advised. "Look inside the car," Tim moaned. After looking, I continued to console him. "Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde." Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly, "Look inside her mouth!"
A Fart It's a pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease, It warms the bed in winter, And suffocates the fleas. A fart can be quiet, A fart can be loud, And some leave a powerful, Poisonous cloud. A fart can be short, Or a fart can be long, Some farts have been known To sound like a song. A fart can create A most curious medley, A fart can be harmless, Or silent, and deadly. A fart might not smell, While others are vile, A fart may pass quickly, Or linger a while...... A fart can occur In a number of places, And leave everyone there, With strange looks on their faces. From wide-open prairie, To small elevators, A fart will find all of us Sooner or later. But farts are not all bad, It simply is true-- We must never forget... Sweet old farts like you. Kinda brings a tear to your eye, right?
