Rumor: Turmoil in Cleveland?

Desides · Feb 19, 2011

Cleveland Plain Dealer reports:

BREAKING

Sources tell the Plain Dealer that Browns president Mike Holmgren is absolutely livid with explosive running back Peyton Hillis. The rift began when Holmgren came in to work on a Saturday, only to find Hillis’ monster truck simultaneously parked in both his and Browns owner Randy Lerner’s parking spaces. Already upset at having to walk an extra 20 feet into the building, Holmgren found his office door unlocked and his super-secret stash of gummy bears completely eaten.

Holmgren confronted Hillis in the facility’s workout room, whereupon Hillis admitted that he should not have double-parked, but denied wrongdoing with regard to the missing gummy bears. Holmgren exploded at Hillis, claiming he could “smell gummy breath a mile away, and boy, son, you got some gummy breath on you!”

The Plain Dealer is not currently aware of what transpired after this exchange, though Hillis’ monster truck was later seen moved to a handicap zone. Another source in a position to know speculated that Holmgren made two phone calls: the first to a security firm to purchase and install state of the art magnetic door locks, and the second to General Manager Desides to authorize the trading of Hillis.

The Browns organization declined comment.
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alen1 · Feb 19, 2011

Funny thing is that I could actually see Hillis jumping out of this big truck with monster tires.

Well done.

Desides · Feb 19, 2011

alen1 said:

Funny thing is that I could actually see Hillis jumping out of this big truck with monster tires.

Well done.
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First impulse was to give him a Honda Odyssey, but… nah.

Fin-Omenal · Feb 19, 2011

What's the ticket on Mike Alstott....I mean Hillis??

Desides · Feb 19, 2011

Fin-Omenal said:

What's the ticket on Mike Alstott....I mean Hillis??
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Make a respectful offer.

Fin-Omenal · Feb 19, 2011

Desides said:

Make a respectful offer.
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Ehh, I don't have the ammo bro but GL.

MikeHoncho · Feb 19, 2011

Fin-Omenal said:

What's the ticket on Mike Alstott....I mean Hillis??
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...Hillis wishes.

Paul 13 · Feb 20, 2011

"another source in a position to know".... heheh...

Desides · Feb 20, 2011

Breaking!

The Cleveland Plain Dealer has learned that the Browns and Miami Dolphins have engaged in clandestine meetings over running back Peyton Hillis. According to sources, Hillis was chloroformed and tied down on Browns president Holmgren’s orders, then taken away by men in sunglasses and dark suits. The South Florida Sun-Sentinel has learned separately that the Browns and Dolphins later met at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport (referred to as “Checkpoint Charlie” by both parties), whereupon Hillis’ bound and gagged body was deposited in an unknown location on the premises. Those same Browns officials were seen thereafter boarding a plane with Dolphins linebacker A.J. Edds and two third round picks in tow.

The whereabouts of Hillis’ green and gold monster truck, purported to be the MacGuffin that began the process of Hillis’ trading, was nowhere to be found.

The Plain Dealer has called the Browns front office for comment, but a secretary, speaking over loud music in the background, declined to comment.
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