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Hilarious Amazon reviews.....

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Fishweiser, Jan 24, 2014.

  1. Fishweiser

    Fishweiser New Member

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    Apr 24, 2009
    http://www.amazon.com/Passion-Natur...IVO/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?showViewpoints=1

    Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon

    Slide Back Into the Game!, October 12, 2011
    By Jerome Albertson (Topeka, KS) - See all my reviews
    (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)
    This review is from: Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon (Health and Beauty)
    I knew getting back in the "dating game" would be a challenge after being out of it for over 5 years. When I was released from Joliet, I had to learn all the new things "the dating crowd" was trying. I knew about scented candles and Luther Vandross CDs, and sure was glad to hear people still use them. But I had no idea that "lube" was so popular with the "romantics" out there. All it took was one stroll through the Walgreens personal hygiene aisle to prove I had to learn a new thing.

    "Where to start?", I wondered. I wanted something simple. However, all I saw in the stores were lubricants that were flavored with cinnamon and paprika, or designed to somehow "heat" your private parts. No way, Jose! (I experienced the "heat" thing personally once after an adventurous incident with a toaster. I'll stick with "room temperature" from now on, thank you very much.)

    Luckily, I found a plain, old-fashioned lubricant that would not make me smell like a dessert topping. And it came in this HUGE tub! No more awkward late-night Walgreens runs for me, once I could get my hands on this lubricant bin. Now, I admit the price tag was kinda hefty. But after selling the ol' Pontiac Sunfire and borrowing some cash from Aunt Gladys, I was "ready to place my order."

    The product only took a week to arrive, and got to my apartment just in time for my first real "date" since the gas station incident. You can bet I was nervous for this one. When I got off the bus to meet Carla in front of the Chili's, I just about had a heart attack! The only thing keeping me calm was knowing that I could not possibly run out of lube that night. I gave Carla a reassuring nod and smile, as if to say "Don't worry, Carla, I have plenty of lubricant for later."

    The dinner was great, and after knocking back a couple Mojo Mango Margaritas, we were ready to head back to my apartment. I winked and told Carla, "Let's SLIP on out of here," to see if she understood the lubricant lingo. I think she did. Throughout the bus ride back, I grinned and hummed Luther Vandross tunes to set the mood.

    When we got to my place, I already had a candle burning. It was by "Glade", which I think you pronounce like the singer Sade, because it is an exotic candle that smells just like real pine. After we got comfortable, I asked Carla if she could help me with the lube. She looked at me weird, and I couldn't tell if it was because she thought it was "too soon" or because I was pushing a mechanical lift to get the drum barrel out of the storage closet.

    So I "took the initiative", as women like men to do, and rolled the barrel out into the living room. "Ready to tap the keg?" I joked, and by "keg" I meant "55-gallon barrel of personal lubricant." She looked at me all shocked, and said "That's it, I'm out of here!" I asked why, since she didn't need to run to Walgreens for more lubricant - there was plenty right here. But she didn't answer, and got up to leave anyway. Then, as Carla was about to pass me and the barrel, she tripped on my dog Poochie and fell right into the lube barrel! The force of the impact downed the barrel and knocked its lid off, sending 55 gallons of water-based lubricant across my faux-hardwood floors.

    Carla was completely drenched, and her momentum slid her to the front door - which she somehow managed to pry open with a pair of oven mitts. The last thing I knew, "No-Fun Carla" was screaming profanities and sliding down three flights of steps. I didn't pay much attention because I was too busy trying to salvage the lube. I managed to get about half of it back into the barrel - the other half probably seeped into Mrs. Pulaski's unit below me. I never bothered to ask if she appreciated the free gift of lubricant.

    Anyway, despite my "user error", I was quite pleased with the product. These days it's hard to find 55 gallons of scent-free water-based lubricant, and you can find it right here at a discount rate! I had to give it only "4 Stars" because it didn't come with a lifting apparatus. I had to buy my own mechanical lift separately to haul the bin to my future "dates". So if you're ready for fun, "slide" on down to a high quality product at a bargain price!
     
  2. Fishweiser

    Fishweiser New Member

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    Apr 24, 2009
    Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag


    Just don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate., October 3, 2012
    By Christine E. Torok
    Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)

    This review is from: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag (Grocery)
    Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

    First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

    BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

    Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

    But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

    AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

    I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

    I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

    Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

    Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

    If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

    PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.
     
  3. Fishweiser

    Fishweiser New Member

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    Apr 24, 2009
    Men's 18K Gold Rolex Yachtmaster II Model # 116688

    [​IMG]
    Price: $38,495.00 & FREE Shipping



    The Yachtmaster II delivers, but leaves much to be desired., December 24, 2013
    By Salvatore M.
    This review is from: Men's 18K Gold Rolex Yachtmaster II Model # 116688 (Watch)
    I bought the Yachtmaster II for what is likely the most common reason to purchase this watch: I wanted to be the master of my Yacht, for a second time. I am also an owner of the original Yachtmaster and have worn in on countless voyages as I braved the waves of the Atlantic to the far reaches of the Arctic Ocean. I expected some improvement with the Yachtmaster II, or at the very least some reasonable continuity of nautical mastery, but was disenchanted by the pitfalls which fell upon me subsequent to making this purchase. My first mate got scurvy and ate all the lemons on the ship. This was problematic as I, like any other Yachtmaster, enjoy a good lemon drop martini. Deprived of that which once fueled me, I had to resort to drinking grog with my crew-mates; a drink most unbecoming of a skilled Yachtmaster like myself. Furthermore, the glass on the watch face, being of inferior quality, cast a glare which struck the eyes of my deck hand in a most blinding matter, causing him to plummet from the mainsail, strike his head on the starboard galley rail, and spew all but the last drops of blood from his head, staining the deck in a most unpleasant manner. The blood dripped down to the water and attracted numerous sharks and other predatory aquatic beasts which are currently circling the ship, inhibiting me from my late evening breast stroke practice. Consequently, I have thrown my watch into the waves and demand that Rolex provide me with a new one. I wait anxiously for your response; Your move Rolex.
     
  4. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    lol
     
    MikeHoncho likes this.
  5. Fishweiser

    Fishweiser New Member

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    Apr 24, 2009
    lol
     
  6. Ohio Fanatic

    Ohio Fanatic Twuaddle or bust Club Member

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    Concord, MA
    damn that first one started slow but ended funny as hell. my wife was in tears laughing so hard.
     
  7. Muck

    Muck Throwback Uniform Crusader Retired Administrator

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    Sunny Florida
    Lol


    Sent from my HTCONE using Tapatalk
     
  8. Two Tacos

    Two Tacos Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I beleive this is the review that started the trend:

    http://www.amazon.com/The-Mountain-...67211&sr=8-1&keywords=three+wolf+moon+t-shirt

    By B. Govern on November 10, 2008

    This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

    I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

    Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
    Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark
     
    Bpk, Fishweiser and #1 fan like this.

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