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CSA Prevention (long)

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by anlgp, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Fair warning: This post is about Child Sexual Abuse and may contain partial foul language. If that's something uncomfortable for you, you're obviously not obligated to read, but I implore you to at least be aware that it is very real and is very possible.


    I want to talk to everyone here about Child Sexual Abuse (CSA).


    The reasons are multi-faceted in that 1) I just took a 2 hour course on this, and am close to some of you who have children of your own, 2) I am a Criminal Justice major and it has largely shaped my worldview in that A) I am designed to help people B) this **** is real, and 3) I am a survivor of CSA, and as you can imagine it hits close to home.


    The first two things that are of importance is the definition of what CSA actually is and the taboo nature of the topic.


    CSA is any forced, unwarranted, or otherwise intrusive touching in sexual nature between an adult / minor, or minor/minor if one minor is overpowering the other. It can happen in person or on the internet. It is also any kind of sexual language toward children from anyone they do not want.


    The second important thing, and one of the additional reasons why I am talking about it IS BECAUSE IT IS OFTEN NOT TALKED ABOUT AND THAT IS THE MOST TABOO ASPECT OF IT.


    1/4 girls and 1/6 boys are victims of CSA and have it occur anywhere between very young (6 and probably younger) to most of those 1/4 and 1/6 by the time they are 18.


    It is often committed by family or friend of the family, or people of trust in society (teachers, etc). Do not make the mistake and think just because they are your family or are your friends that this stuff can not happen with them.


    Signs in children may be there (you have to know what you're looking for and I will get to that later), or they may not be there (this is where talking and preventing helps), and there are steps in prevention.


    PREVENTION



    1. be sure that your child knows that physical boundaries are 100% okay, and it is okay at ANY TIME for that person to say no to the touch of others.



    1. Make them aware of their body. This can help them with physical symptoms (pain in genital areas, often complaints of joint pain).



    1. If your child is going with another adult make sure to get specific details from your child about what the plans are for that individual. Pay attention to those details and the times and how specific the child can be in regards to those details. If they are vague, I would ask for clarification from the adult the child is going with.



    1. Your child is not too young to talk about sex with.
      I do not have a child, so I cannot imagine the thought of talking about sex with them and can say with confidence that it would make me uncomfortable, but I also often take a practical approach to life, and this would be one of those times where that is applicable, plus it was in the course...



    SIGNS TO LOOK FOR



    • An increase in sexual language. Kids masturbate often, but that's physical exploration. If sexual language is coming out that they shouldn't know at that age, then I'd open up that discussion.
    • Nightmares
    • Fear of relationships with friends / family
    • Failing grades
    • Feeling ashamed over things they should not be ashamed of
    • Becoming intensely withdrawn and quiet


    Obviuosly the failing grades and becoming intensely withdrawn and quiet can be other issues, so it is important to look at the totality of the situation.


    IF THEY ARE ABUSED



    1. Believe them if they tell you that they have been abused. It is surprising how many people want to just deny that it is occuring because of the traumatic nature of the event.



    1. Take them IMMEDIATELY to a therpaist who is trained in dealing with CSA. Early action is key.



    1. If you are getting a baby-sitter it is a good idea to have them interact with your child while you observe to see any funny business. If you are getting weird feelings do not hire them.



    1. If the person is 18 or over (avg age of offenders is 27!) check the registered sex offender list in your area in regards to the adults around your children.


    That's all I really remember from the course.


    SPEAKING PERSONALLY FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE IF YOUR CHILD OR CHILDREN YOU KNOW ARE UNFORTUNATELY ABUSED.


    I don't mention these things to gain your sympathy. I mention them as facts of my life pertaining to the topic at hand. I was 6. It was a friend of the family. I repressed the memory for 16 years until I felt a pulsing tingling sensation going slowly up and down my left arm do to a trigger that I was unaware of at the time.


    I have a LARGE LARGE list of mental and physical health issues.


    The #1 thing I wish was different is someone knowing these prevention techniques and how to see the signs, and as such I have the power to impart this to you all and am doing so. I've long since accepted that this has happened and am doing the responsible thing and am taking care of myself and my issues.


    Finally, let them know that things will be okay.


    Despite all the health issues I have from this, I am relatively happy and lead a very busy, very functional life, and that while it is a traumatic event and not to be minimized one bit, that it is possible to get past it and continue on with life.


    I am a FT student in a rigorous degree filled with a lot of homework and tests, a member of two organizations at school and President of one of them, a volunteer for many activities outside the school within those organizations, and am hoping to attain a job on top of all that. My point is that it has not shut me down and that I consider myself to be moving past it.


    I owe a lot to the various therapists I've had over the past 4 years, and the #2 thing I wish I had was early treatment. So as not to make this any longer than it needs to be because I am getting tired of talking about myself– children and humans are strong and you can slay that dragon if it does happen.


    I seriously hope this never happens to none of your children, and heaven forbid it does I will do what I can from an empathetic standpoint and give you all the help I can give in how the child can move past and what the best actions to take otherwise are, but I am not trained in how to do CSA Therapy, so please go do that; I just have my own experience to draw from.


    If you've made it this far thank you for your time. I know it's a tough topic to talk about, but I hope it is beneficial to you all.

    EDIT

    You may have to excuse the lack of clarity on some things. I am running on little sleep. Let me know if I need to clarify.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2013
  2. Boik14

    Boik14 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    That had to be tough to type having dealt with CSA yourself. Great post.
     
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  3. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    I'm better with it some days than with others. The most difficult thing about today was taking the test in a public area and trying to conceal the various forms of health things I was talking about :lol:
     
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  4. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    Thanks, Steve. I appreciate you pointing me here on Facebook.

    My wife and I look at things through realistic glasses. We don't/Won't shelter our child. As my wife was VERY sheltered as a kid, as far as no Simpsons, no bad tv, no bad movies, in at 6 until 14-15 years of age, and she absolutley lashed out. Among other issues (won't get into because some on this board know me and my wife personally, so some things need to go unsaid) that happened to her. I was NOT sheltered and my parents were very open with sexuality, what was right and wrong, and being open to be able to talk to them for ANYTHING. I never once felt odd, or weird coming to my parents. Hell, the night I lost my virginity I came to both of them at 15 years old upset because I didnt use protection. They were calm, let things play out, and got me contraceptives.

    The point being is, we both agree we will be open with our son, and my step daughter.....don't keep a blanket over them. Bad things do happen...and the more prepared he and she is to look for the signs, and to know its 110% ok to talk to us about anything....the better chance (hopefully) it will never get that far, or if it does, its halted immediatley.

    Steve, if I can ask, almost like an ama on reddit......

    What if anything do you think could've stopped what happened to you at 6 ? I know your memory of it or the circumstances may be foggy, but do you think there were signs of things to come, could your parents have done anything different?

    I have been friends with you for a while now bud, I have seen some awesome growth from you as a person. It's good, no, GREAT to see you so open, strong and doing great things man. Reach out to me for anything, and please keep in touch like we do! I know you're busy, but text me sometime! haha
     
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  5. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Sure, and this goes for anyone if you have any questions, so long as I feel comfortable putting it out publicly I will do so. If I'm not I will not answer.

    The memories are clearer than I would like to admit. In theory, I could tell anyone pretty much exactly what happened.

    Unfortunately, from what I understand the abusER has learned the patterns of abuse from someone in their immediate family (this happens often with people who do this or any other type of crime or behavior you can think of), or close friend at a young age. One of the other things the course said was that people who abuse routinely common have 10+ victims, and it has been known that serial rapists have "as much as" 400. I'd like to think that is rare, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

    My dad has asked me a pretty similar question. In retrospect, by the first time I had any sexual education from friends or family or school, the damage had already been done, so early talks about the things I mentioned would have been nice, but both of my parents are very realistic, and I do not hold it against them that they did not have "The Talk" with me, because it is not their fault what happened to me, and it is not my fault, either. I just want to make that clear.

    I think as far as my specific situation is concerned that there wasn't much of anything, if anything at all, that could have been done.

    To explain things as simply as I can from taking the degree I am in: the world is sometimes a very ****ed up place, and acknowledging and accepting that sooner is much better than learning to have to do it later. I learned very early :lol:

    I knew the person from their father and my dad being friends (I know the guys father to this day and he is an awesome guy, and I don't hold him any ill will, either because I don't believe that this man is where the abuse was learned from. The guy stayed at our house for a few months when I was a kid, so I'm aware of his behavior and how he acts).

    The person had a guitar and was sitting outside on the steps, and I've loved guitars since I can remember. So, I was just going over there to ask them about how to play and what kind of guitar it was and all that. As early as 6 :lol:, and things went from there.

    **** happens.

    I'll have to make sure I remind myself to text you :sidelol: (funny to me because my memory is that bad..)

    Thank you for the kind words, and same to you :up: you know I admire that you've come from where you have (what I do know) and are who you are.
     
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  6. MonstBlitz

    MonstBlitz Nobody's Fart Catcher

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    An uncomfortable topic for sure, but a very worthwhile discussion. Having 2 children of my own now, it's a topic I haven't spent much time thinking about because like you said - as parents we fall into the trap of thinking there is no way this could happen to our children. But it could, and it's good to be reminded of that. Thanks for posting.
     
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  7. gunn34

    gunn34 I miss Don & Dan

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    Thanks for posting this. You have much courage, I respect that. Having been in Law Enforcement for 14 years before I moved to the indoor, air conditioned, medical place, I saw some of the effects this kind of thing has on children. I hope you have learned to cope with this and it hasn't defined you in a negative way. Too many times, people keep this in and it destroys all their relationships in life.

    I have 3 sons, 27, 14, and 12. I have had "the talk" with each of them, and continue to talk openly with them. Like Sick, I do not shelter my children and always talk to them about the real world and the things that could happen. My wish is your OP helps at least one person, hopefully more.
    Greg
     
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  8. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Thanks for your kind words.

    I'm continually learning to cope. As I go deeper into therapy, I learn new things about myself that are related and how I can stop the mental process from going back and instead moving forward. I'm glad you both have had that talk with your kids.

    From a CJ major to a LE guy .. what'd you do in LE exactly, if you don't mind my asking? I respect LE a tremendous deal.
     
  9. gunn34

    gunn34 I miss Don & Dan

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    I worked as a Law Enforcement patrolman and Flight Sergeant in the Air Force. Standard stuff just like the civilian world really. Domestic situations, DUI's, speeding, drug bust, and SA and CSA (yes it unfortunately happens in the military).
     
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  10. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    I try to say this as often as possible when encountering LE. I've done 36 hours of internship at the local PD, and have first hand knowledge of a lot of the various units inside a PD, and I know how there are times you go into work and don't know whether or not you'll be coming home later on that night. I know you are no longer working in the field, but thank you for doing so.
     
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  11. gunn34

    gunn34 I miss Don & Dan

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    It was a thankless job for the most part. That's why LE and FD people remain a close knit group. We have each others back, and not too many people really know what goes on during a shift.
     
  12. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    If they only knew I think the respect would skyrocket.
     
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  13. Ohio Fanatic

    Ohio Fanatic Twuaddle or bust Club Member

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    We started having discussions about the body and sex/procreation with my daughter when she was 9. we were a little apprehensive, but glad as hell that we did. I'm not worried about her as much. Now my 6 year old autistic daughter has me inundated with a world of stress when it comes to this subject. Will I ever be able to explain it to her correctly given her issues? and more importantly, given that she will probably be decent looking as she gets older, I worry that it only takes one POS teenage boy to take advantage of her knowing that she's 10x quieter than the normal person because of her autism.
     
  14. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    What is your biggest stress about the information getting across, if you don't mind my asking? I don't know what the issues of autism are.
     
  15. Ohio Fanatic

    Ohio Fanatic Twuaddle or bust Club Member

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    she's not much for conversation, so I worry that the message won't sink in. Hell, I can't even get her to tell me anything that happened in school that day, I mean nothing.
     
  16. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Your concerns are most definitely valid. What I can tell you is this: it is better to have a 20 minute lecture, then go through 16 years of personal hell and torture that you are completely unaware of. I hope maybe that can help you get the importance of the message across somehow. I know you know the message is important and want her to know the message is important. I think this would grab the necessary attention.
     
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