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Dealing with a break up

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by PerfectTeam, Feb 19, 2011.

  1. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I've never really reached out to strangers like this before but I really don't know what else to do. Friday night, Sara my girlfriend of almost three years left me for her ex husband and I don't know what to do or how to cope. I loved her with everything I have and she always told me she felt the same way until Friday. I'm just so lost as what to do. I've never been this madly in love with someone before and the fact she left has just devastated me. I guess what I'm just asking for is advice/suggestions how you've dealt with break-ups. Anything would be great.
     
  2. Conuficus

    Conuficus Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Let her go. This is about her, not you.

    Find someone else, not to date but to be with............'friends with benefits' etc. So as you can begin to move on in some form. I'm not saying do this today, but somewhat soon if possible. Emotionally, you will still be all over the place, but it will help begin the process, or at least move along. This will not be easy by any means, and the first few days are the hardest. You will make it, although in some form you'll always be affected by this (not always in a bad way, it helps you know yourself better).

    In short, get on with your life, devote more time to work for the next few weeks, get more involved in a hobby. Basically anything to help get you moving and you'll find that when you look up the hurt will have eased a bit. It won't just disappear, but it does make it easier to deal with.

    Keep your chin up man. It hurts, but you will be better for it.
     
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  3. Muck

    Muck Throwback Uniform Crusader Retired Administrator

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    The only thing that truly heals is time. It's gonna take awhile to get thru this.

    Beyond that, the worst thing you can do is be alone with your thoughts. You've got to get outside, hang out with friends, exercise, whatever. You've got to stay active and keep your mind occupied. This won't take all the pain away, but it will certainly help you along the way. Exercise is great for the mind and body.

    If you just sit and wallow, you're going to tear yourself apart and it's going to just be that much harder to get thru.

    Hang in there friend.
     
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  4. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Really appreciate it. I've decided to throw myself head first into my work, that's the only solution I can come up with. My boss has actually been real understanding about it. I told him what happened and he let me leave work for a few hours to gather myself because I was crying like a baby. Appreciate you responding.
     
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  5. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I will. Kind words always help. Like I told Con, I'm going to just throw myself head first into work. It's just hard trying to go about a normal day without your best friend. I always told Sara that she was better than my dream girl because she was real. Corny, I know but very true. I hate to quote Saban but its a process and its going to take some time. Good advice like this always speeds up the healing though.
     
  6. MikeHoncho

    MikeHoncho -=| Censored |=-

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    edit: I'm an idiot.
     
  7. Celtkin

    Celtkin <B>Webmaster</b> Luxury Box

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    Brother, we have all been there but I know that such superficial assurances are of little help when you are aching as you are now.

    If you gave this girl your all and she she left you for her ex, she is best left to her own path. The fact that she is going back to the well of failure is a sign that she is not centered on moving on.

    I respectfully disagree with the idea of you moving on to some new adventure at this point because I believe that you will most likely find another dysfunctional relationship if you settle for whatever comes next.

    Give yourself time and don't look back....don't call, don't give her a reason to validate her mistreatment of you. You deserve better and she will ultimately get what she is asking for; good or bad....

    /my 2 cents
     
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  8. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    First of all, I am very sorry this happened to you. It really stinks!

    Second, I echo the remarks already made about time and work/excercise/friends, etc. Time ultimately is the only solution.

    Third, I also want to echo Celtkin about avoiding entanglements for the time being. You need to heal and recover. You need to find out who you are and that is a problem if you are trying to invest in another person. I would also suggest you find someone to sit down and talk about this whole thing with. Not immediately but in a couple of weeks. A lot of folks jump into counseling right away and while that can help with the grief, it does nothing for moving you forward and finding out about yourself.

    Take care and best wishes to you.
     
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  9. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Really appreciate the great advice guys. I've spent a lot of time contemplating everything I've read here and its been more than helpful. Being able to talk and share with you guys has sped up the process of healing a lot more than I thought it would. I know in time, it will get better. One thing my Dad's physical therapist said has always stuck with me: inch by inch, its a cinch. Mile by mile its going to take awhile. Thats all I can do at this point. Got to go through hell to get to heaven right. Again, just thanks everybody. It's nice to know the world isn't messed up as I thought it was.
     
  10. daphins

    daphins A-Style

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    Gotta go with Celt on this one. I don't think you should be entertaining thoughts of another until you're solid within yourself. I've found that to be key when dealing with relationships. The more solid I am personally, then the more solid my relationships tend to be. Getting right with yourself needs to be your main concern right now. I dump myself into my work, friends, and hobbies when I get down (relationships or otherwise). Work keeps my mind occupied and makes more money for my hobbies, my hobbies help me express myself and build up my self worth, and my friends are there to relax with.

    As with all things, it's a balance. Hope you hang in there..always remember...This too will pass........that's a two way street.
     
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  11. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    Find a hobby. Do something you've always wanted to do be it going out, getting silly, painting, reading whatever. Know its going to suck for a bit and yes you might call her or text her but it happens. Know also though, that she won't answer because shes got a guy at the moment. Don't wait for validation, don't wait for her relationship to fail, don't wait for her to come back. Truth be told it might turn into a blessing as if she can leave you like this, then you were probably for at least a while putting more into the relationship then she was. That spells disaster down the road.
    Know also you are going to go through a lot of emotions. Deal with them as they come appropriately. If you're mad be mad, its ok to be, just don't do anything stupid like call her up telling her what you think because it won't matter in the end and you might say something that could get you into trouble. If you're sad, be sad. If you're happy, be happy.
     
  12. Boik14

    Boik14 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Let me preface this by saying none of my relationships last more then a year anyway probably because I have no desire to be in a serious, committed relationship (cue Charlie Sheen/Two and a Half Men references); its just not for me.

    But i will say that I wouldnt move on to another relationship before you are over this one. And the way you get over this is by realizing there isnt poop you could have done that would make her change her mind if she actually went back to the well of fail as Celt called it. I agree with some others who have basically said find stuff to do whether its work or hobbies. Catch up with friends. Go to Vegas and go crazy (my solution lol). Different people cope with this stuff differently but I can tell you that the longer you let it linger and eat at you the more it will sting. You and I know you invested three yeas of your life that you cant get back in this but I am sure you have many more good ones and you will eventually find the girl who will do the right thing by you. Dont settle, dont take the girl back if she asks...just keep it movin. Best wishes brother and anything we can do to help, your friends are always here. :)
     
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  13. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    This is why you gotta love this site. You guys are the best. At this point, I'm just going with whatever emotions I have at the time. Last night, I was crying for awhile because I was alone in the bed where we slept and just missed her like crazy. At some point, I started watching Psych on dvd and started laughing and was ok. I've just come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do. I just have to go with it. I've had more good moments than bad with each passing day and its about all I can ask for. Guys, thanks again. You guys have sped up the healing process to the point where I can actually see some light at the end of the tunnel.
     
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  14. jason8er

    jason8er Luxury Box Luxury Box

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    Add this to Mal's post and you won't find better advise anywhere. Although, speaking from past experience, it could be one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make. Stay strong PT.
     
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  15. Conuficus

    Conuficus Premium Member Luxury Box

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    How you doin man? Just asking.
     
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  16. finserg

    finserg Well-Known Member

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    We all been through this ,its going to be hard just keep your head up and like everyone else said go out and stay busy.

    I went through it and my mistake was to stay home and be depressed ,thats when you start to think about it the most .Try not to talk to her or you wiill set yourself back again thinking she might come back. Good luck
     
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  17. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I'm doing. Its been a little over two weeks now and I was doing ok there for awhile. All of a sudden, I just lost it and I don't know why. Especially the last couple of days have been real hard. It's still a process. I haven't slept well since it happened. I keep waking up in the middle of the night looking for her. I'm eating constantly again. Putting on weight. It sucks.
     
  18. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I don't think she will come back. I'm not planning on it anyways.
     
  19. Darrelle Revis

    Darrelle Revis I BELIEVE!

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    Very sorry to hear that. You just can't stay in the house and be depressed about it. Go out with some friends, go to work in a positive attitude, and be positive about everything.

    I wish you the best.
     
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  20. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I appreciate it. I have been working a lot. 80-90 hour week sometimes. I tried going out with my friends but they are all in happy relationships so it makes it worse. I don't know what I need.
     
  21. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    What do you like to do?
    Any hobbies you want to take up?
     
  22. daphins

    daphins A-Style

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    Personal development time. My last breakup was the best thing that eve happened to me. Without having to try to tape together a failing relationship, I was able to focus on what I enjoy. Learned some guitar, tool my art to a whole new level, made some damn good friends, and am moving to where I want to be, rather than where was best for us.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
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  23. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I've taken up golf. I work at a golf course so it was something I needed to take up anyways. I'm actually going back to the gym with a personal trainer. I've always been a little chunky, so I wanted to lose the rest of the weight. I'm actually getting back into tennis tournaments again. I used to be a top 100 player in florida when I was in high school so I'm going to start playing some 25 and over tournaments again. I'm trying to get out there.
     
  24. Darrelle Revis

    Darrelle Revis I BELIEVE!

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    Everyone cope's differently. I usually have to mess around with other girls to just stop thinking about it to be honest. It really does get your mind off everything. You might not want to do that, though.

    I would go for her sister :)

    JK.. I really do hope you feel better, man. I really do wish you the best because it sucks. It's always on your mind and you just want to stop thinking about her and just be happy. Again, I wish you the best and the most important thing you should know is time heals everything!
     
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  25. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Thanks man. I figure I'm going to be like this for awhile. I was a mess for awhile but I feel better today. I think its going to peak and valley for awhile. Nothing I can do about it for now.
     
  26. Fin-Omenal

    Fin-Omenal Initiated

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    Turn on track 16 on the Marshall Mathers LP, always make me feel better.
     
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  27. MonstBlitz

    MonstBlitz Nobody's Fart Catcher

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  28. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    Go bowling, go play golf, hang with your friends, grow a beard and drink beer while playing ncaa all night, sleep nude, take a shower get out and walk around nude, take dumps with the doors open......




    in other words:

    ENJOY THIS FREEDOM FOR ALL OF US MARRIED MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHA

    good luck bro!
     
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  29. GISH

    GISH ~mUST wARN oTHERS~

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    ^ Yeah, what he said.

    I've learned to focus myself more toward my personal goals, than investing in a lost cause. Not saying your relationship was a lost cause, but jumping into something new would be. Ive dealt with breakups the wrong way, and it totally sucks. it pulls you into an avalanche of negativity. Focusing on my goals has helped me a lot. Exercise works very well for me too, as improving my self appearance and health is one of my goals. Every workout ends with a feeling of instant success. I dont hate going to the gym, I look forward to it now.
     
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  30. irish_cowgirl

    irish_cowgirl New Member

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    Use this time to gain back confidence in yourself. Everyone copes completely different. Try and do things that will keep you happy, watch a movie, go out with the guys, just be you. This is time where you can figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life. It's not easy, trust me, but you can surround yourself around people who care and want what is best. There are other people out there. It is just a matter of time before someone comes along. Hang in there my friend. Things will get better.
     
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  31. Conuficus

    Conuficus Premium Member Luxury Box

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    I said something similar; it does help you move on sometimes. I'm not saying another relationship, but you know what I mean. If you can entertain the thought to that point then you're on your way, regardless of if you actually follow through or not. I think that so long as you're not heartless with people it can be a positive thing. I'm not saying do it after two weeks, as you're likely not ready.
     
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  32. Jt0323

    Jt0323 Fins Up! Luxury Box

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    I recently had to go through something similar and I agree that the worst thing to do is be alone with my thoughts. after the 2nd day of dealing with this I decided i have to do something. I am constantly being active as soon as i wake up and i feel thats helping me get through this. It still sucks and it still hurts, but its helping me out big time
     
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  33. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Thanks guys. I mean that. All the advice has helped a lot. I've pretty much thrown myself into my work. 12 hr days, 7 days a week. I've pretty much made myself so tired I can't really think about her that much. I still miss her everyday though. She isn't very far from my thoughts at all. I'm at least to the point where I can sleep at night and not constantly wake up. I've taken up golf. Figured I had the time since I work at a golf course. I've started tennis again. I used to be a top 100 tennis player in florida and finally started to feel the passion for it again after 6 years. I've learned that I really like building things and just putting things together. I just installed a new sound system in my car and it felt real good to do that after I was done. Might start doing that a little more often on the side. Hopefully I turned I corner towards seeing better days. Thanks to all you guys.
     
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  34. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    Keep at it. Glad to hear you feel a corner has been turned. You continue to have my prayers and best wishes.
     
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  35. Jt0323

    Jt0323 Fins Up! Luxury Box

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    Glad to hear! I remember the first few days after i would constantly wake up and think about her and it would be hard to sleep. I have trouble sleeping to begin with, but it was 10 times worse. I finally got better. I still think about her a lot but as time goes on it gets better... I know how you feel and be productive has helped me a lot also!
     
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  36. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    That's the thing. The time going by and staying productive has been helpful. I've even got to the point where I'm willing to at least try and date again. When it first happened, another woman touching me made me so anxious. The girl cutting my hair had such a hard time. Now at least I feel like I can maybe try and date. Feels like there might be some late at the end of the tunnel.
     
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  37. jdang307

    jdang307 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Each month will get better bro. I know I'm late on this, but I broke up with my girlfriend of over 10 years (on and off due to distance, about 5 years in those 10) and it was tough. Real tough. We were supposed to get married and everything Get out there, things will get better, believe me. Took me a few years to find another decent girl, but she came along, and now we're getting married soon.

    Think about it this way, if she did that to you, she wasnt who you thought she was. The one you end up with is the right one. Before I met my current lady, I was single, and laying alone at night, sucked. Being with my new lady is the best ... however you do long for those single days sometimes. Not that I would trade it, but you do miss it. Enjoy these days. Take time for yourself. Sit around all day and watch TV. Man I miss those days!
     
  38. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Things are definitely going. I've actually tried started dating again. There is this real nice girl at work and I got her number and have been trying to go out with her but she seems to be playing hard to get lol. It's still hard though sometimes. I had to go to my friends moms funeral and I dont real well with funerals and missed her like crazy just because I always leaned on her for support. I have definitely turned a corner. Im taking the lessons Ive learned and trying to not make the same mistakes again. Again guys, the support has been fantastic and I appreciate every bit of it.
     
  39. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    Thank you for the continued updates and glad things are going well. btw, regarding the girl at work, it may not be you, she may not like dating folks at work. I know a number of people who find that ackward. Best wishes.
     
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  40. PerfectTeam

    PerfectTeam Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I always appreciate the kind words sir. It didn't work out with Ashley but I'm not upset about it. One fish in a sea of many.

    Actually Sara just called me at work and we had a long conversation, just catching up. It's weird because I always wondered how I would react when/if she called again and I wasn't expecting being pleasant as if nothing happened. I'm not the yelling type and I'm not the type to guilt her but it was interesting that I just pretended like it never happened. So maybe this means I might be ok.
     
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