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Thread: Father son trouble

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    Default Father son trouble

    My parents go divorced when I was 5 so having to go visist my dad at his house isnt something new for me. It is what I am use to. As a young kid my dad was never really there for me. From the time my parents splite up so 5-14 he wasnt around. He was clser to his girlfriends kids then he was to me and my brother and it is ashame because he didnt really get to see my childhood. I mean I would go over some times because of the court agreement, but we would do what he wanted to do when I went over and if I didnt feel like doing what he wanted to do or his girl friend and her kids wanted to do me and my brother would be stuck at his house watching TV. He would alway break promises to us. He would always say that he was coming to my soccer and basketball games and never show, he was never there for me to talk to about father son type of stuff, I was never really able to go outside and play catch with him because he wasnt there and when he was able to he didnt seem very interested. As a young kid he would break promises to me and my brother and it drove my brother away from him and my dad and brother arent and havent been on talking terms for a little over 4 years now.

    From 15-18 my Dad and me were really close he was not just my dad but also a good friend someone that I felt like I could go to no matter what. Some one I felt like I could tell anything to, we would go to Orioles games, and watch the Dolphins and Ravens up at the place I work Barebones ( he is a Ravens fan), we would just do stuff together. For the first time in my lifehe was there for me and it felt great because my mom didnt have to play the role of Dad for me.

    Sense I have graduated highschool things have gotten different in my life as a whole. My mom and brother have moved down to North Carolina and I stayed up in Maryland. But basiclly my whole family is down in North Carolina my Mom, brother, sister, brother in law, nephew, and dog, so out of my immediate family my Dad is the only one up here. I do have a aunt and uncle, and cousin who I am close with up in Maryland but my Dad is the only perosn from my immediate family that is in Maryland. I chose to stay up in Maryland for a bunch of different reasons ans one was because so I could be close to my dad. Now my Dad wanted me to live with him but I decied not to because it is just to far away from the community college I go to and it is to far away from mt friends and the rest of my family that is up here. I dont think he liked me turning him down about living with him but I said it nicely and I gave him good reasoning but he was still mad at me I guess.

    So the summer goes by and I am getting ready for college and everything. When my Mom and Dad got divorced my parents were suppose to split everything down the middle when it came to costs. So braces for example it was 10,000 dollars for my mom for me and my brother because my dad decied he wasnt going to pay. Now that college has come for me and my brother he is suppose to help my mom with the cost of me and my brother going to college.....and he hasnt, he is suppose to give me some spending money.....he hasnt, he is taking away things from my mom that she loves to do because she is paying for me and my brothers college (she is taking him to court) I hace tried no to get involed but he is hurting my moms wallet and the way she lives because he doesnt feel like paying fo his own songs education? He has the money, he just bought a new house and he has 3 BMW's and a boat. He is just not stepping up to the plate. I am trying to hold myself back because I dont want to get in between my dad and mom but it is getting to the point where it is ridiculous. Also latly it has seemed like if I want to see my dad I have to plan it, I have to be the one that makes all the plans and who decieds what we are going to do and when we are going to do it. If me and my Dad do something togetehr I am the one paying dor it...I dont have that much money as it is I go to college full time and work some hours but still I dont have enough money to support him and my step mom if I want to see them. If I want to see or talk to my dad I have to call him or text him. He never calls or texts me. He didnt get me a birthday gift and for my birthday dinner we went to McDonalds. If I didnt call or text my Dad I just would talk to him at all.

    I dont want to see me and my dads relationship end. he already isnt talking to my brother, if me nd mt dads relationship ends in will pretty much be over I feel like. Which is ashame because he wont see me grown up, he wont be at my wedding, and he wont see his grad kids. I would bring this up my dad but he would get offended and get mad and not talk to me even if i called or texted him. I dont want to lose my dad or our relationship but I cant bring this up to him with out him getting mad. What should I do?

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    Damn bro, this sounds almost identical to my situation. My parents were divorced when I was 7, and my dad was never a part of my life growing up. From 7-15, I never saw my dad. He moved away, but it was only about an hour drive. When I turned 16, I started driving down to his house to see him. My brother pretty much gave up on him and has only spoken to him 3 or 4 times in 20+ years. Now, I am married with 3 children. My first son was just born 4 months ago (which was exciting since I lived with my wife and two girls!) and my dad hasn't put forth the effort to come see his new grandson. I'm starting to see that he is the one missing out on his grandchildren. If he was interested in being part of our lives, he would do everything he could to see us. He never calls. The only time we talk to is when I call him. Usually, he doesn't even remember the names of his grandchildren.

    My intentions aren't to hijack your thread, but just wanted to let you know I'm going through the same thing, and I've moved on. I have my own family now, and if he wants to be a part of it, he knows what to do. I won't prevent him from seeing my family, but I'll be damned if I keep going out of my way so he doesn't have to.

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    I can't say I have ever walked in your shoes RBT because I haven't. I was lucky my dad was always around to help with homework and coach little league etc. My question to you is this: If you don't say something to your dad, how will he know how you feel?

    You said you are basically scared of losing any relationship you have with him but it seems like the only relationship you have with him now is the one you are reaching out to him to have. Thats not a relationship at all. I think you really just need to come out and ask him what the problem is? Why he doesnt call? Why he is busting your mom's chops? Why he is holding it against you that you didnt want to come live with him? If you don't then things will just stay the same between you and your dad and that doesn't seem like its making you real happy with him.

    Keep us updated bud



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    Well for one telling your dad how you feel won't necessarily end up with him not being at your wedding. So don't over think things, thats the worst case scenario. I think you should tell him you want to know if he is upset with you as you feel he isn't trying anymore. And be honest and tell him exactly everything you said here. He might be pissed initially but if he's not a bastard and as good as you think he is, he will be back. Just don't say anything you don't mean, i.e. get out of my life you bastard lol, and see it for what it is, a disagreement.
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    Quote Originally Posted by unluckyluciano View Post
    Well for one telling your dad how you feel won't necessarily end up with him not being at your wedding. So don't over think things, thats the worst case scenario. I think you should tell him you want to know if he is upset with you as you feel he isn't trying anymore. And be honest and tell him exactly everything you said here. He might be pissed initially but if he's not a bastard and as good as you think he is, he will be back. Just don't say anything you don't mean, i.e. get out of my life you bastard lol, and see it for what it is, a disagreement.
    You could write it down and give it to him also if you don't feel like you could talk to him. Your situation with your dad sounds a lot like mine, but I really didn't concern myself with any of the money issues though my dad was not ever doing as well as yours seems to be from what you say. I'm not as far away from my dad as it seems you currently are either.

    If you wanted to help your mom could you take out student loans rather than having her pay?

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    Quote Originally Posted by OhioPhin View Post
    Damn bro, this sounds almost identical to my situation. My parents were divorced when I was 7, and my dad was never a part of my life growing up. From 7-15, I never saw my dad. He moved away, but it was only about an hour drive. When I turned 16, I started driving down to his house to see him. My brother pretty much gave up on him and has only spoken to him 3 or 4 times in 20+ years. Now, I am married with 3 children. My first son was just born 4 months ago (which was exciting since I lived with my wife and two girls!) and my dad hasn't put forth the effort to come see his new grandson. I'm starting to see that he is the one missing out on his grandchildren. If he was interested in being part of our lives, he would do everything he could to see us. He never calls. The only time we talk to is when I call him. Usually, he doesn't even remember the names of his grandchildren.

    My intentions aren't to hijack your thread, but just wanted to let you know I'm going through the same thing, and I've moved on. I have my own family now, and if he wants to be a part of it, he knows what to do. I won't prevent him from seeing my family, but I'll be damned if I keep going out of my way so he doesn't have to.
    Bro you aren't high jacking my thread as sad as it might be I am just glad so one is in my shoes.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Boik14 View Post
    I can't say I have ever walked in your shoes RBT because I haven't. I was lucky my dad was always around to help with homework and coach little league etc. My question to you is this: If you don't say something to your dad, how will he know how you feel?

    You said you are basically scared of losing any relationship you have with him but it seems like the only relationship you have with him now is the one you are reaching out to him to have. Thats not a relationship at all. I think you really just need to come out and ask him what the problem is? Why he doesnt call? Why he is busting your mom's chops? Why he is holding it against you that you didnt want to come live with him? If you don't then things will just stay the same between you and your dad and that doesn't seem like its making you real happy with him.

    Keep us updated bud
    You are right bro I guess I dont really have a good relationship with him now. I dont know what his problem is and if I ask him what his problem is he will just say nothing and just get mad that i would ask a question like that. I dont know why he is busting my moms chops ever sense they got divorced it has been like this and my mom has always done her best to leave me out of the middle but he tries to keep tossing me in the middle and make me think my mom is the bad guy. He thinks that I should come live with him because I lived with my mom from 4-18 but if I lived with him it wouldnt be a home our relationship would be the same I think if not worse because even for those few years that we were close he still couldnt handle to much of me like if he saw me 3 days in a row he would be stressed out for some reason and I am not a bad kid by any stretch.

    Quote Originally Posted by unluckyluciano View Post
    Well for one telling your dad how you feel won't necessarily end up with him not being at your wedding. So don't over think things, thats the worst case scenario. I think you should tell him you want to know if he is upset with you as you feel he isn't trying anymore. And be honest and tell him exactly everything you said here. He might be pissed initially but if he's not a bastard and as good as you think he is, he will be back. Just don't say anything you don't mean, i.e. get out of my life you bastard lol, and see it for what it is, a disagreement.
    My brother (Ryan) told my Dad how he feels and they no longer talk I mean last year they talked and that was the first time in about 3 years. Sense my brother has been down in NC my Dad hasnt talked to him at all. I mean my brother hasnt made an effort either but still he is your son my dad shouldnt let my brother get out of his life. I dont want to tell him how I feel and then him not talk to me at all but I guess I have to if I ever want a real relationship with him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Stitches View Post
    You could write it down and give it to him also if you don't feel like you could talk to him. Your situation with your dad sounds a lot like mine, but I really didn't concern myself with any of the money issues though my dad was not ever doing as well as yours seems to be from what you say. I'm not as far away from my dad as it seems you currently are either.

    If you wanted to help your mom could you take out student loans rather than having her pay?
    That is the thing he doesnt have as much money as you think I mean yea he has all that stuff, but he spends his money on that and then has no money left over for my education. I have tried to not get involved in the money situation.......but when it starts effecting my mom i just cant help it now I have to get involved now I feel like. My mom is the person who played Mom and Dad for the better part of my life and I cant live with myself if I dont at least try to do something, if i dont try to convince him to get his act together then I feel like I let my mom down. My mom has not told me to get involved in the whole money thing, it is just the way I feel.

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    Quote Originally Posted by RonnieBrownTown View Post
    You are right bro I guess I dont really have a good relationship with him now. I dont know what his problem is and if I ask him what his problem is he will just say nothing and just get mad that i would ask a question like that. I dont know why he is busting my moms chops ever sense they got divorced it has been like this and my mom has always done her best to leave me out of the middle but he tries to keep tossing me in the middle and make me think my mom is the bad guy. He thinks that I should come live with him because I lived with my mom from 4-18 but if I lived with him it wouldnt be a home our relationship would be the same I think if not worse because even for those few years that we were close he still couldnt handle to much of me like if he saw me 3 days in a row he would be stressed out for some reason and I am not a bad kid by any stretch.



    My brother (Ryan) told my Dad how he feels and they no longer talk I mean last year they talked and that was the first time in about 3 years. Sense my brother has been down in NC my Dad hasnt talked to him at all. I mean my brother hasnt made an effort either but still he is your son my dad shouldnt let my brother get out of his life. I dont want to tell him how I feel and then him not talk to me at all but I guess I have to if I ever want a real relationship with him.



    That is the thing he doesnt have as much money as you think I mean yea he has all that stuff, but he spends his money on that and then has no money left over
    for my education. I have tried to not get involved in the money situation.......but when it starts effecting my mom i just cant help it now I have to get involved now I feel like. My mom is the person who played Mom and Dad for the better part of my life and I cant live with myself if I dont at least try to do something, if i dont try to convince him to get his act together then I feel like I let my mom down. My mom has not told me to get involved in the whole money thing, it is just the way I feel.
    Ok, that actually sounds just like my Dad.
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    realize that your dad is a self centered jerk and stop trying to attain his love and attention. im sure your brother and him are no longer on speaking terms SIMPLY because your brother wised up and realized his father was a dead beat who couldnt give a **** about his own kids.( no offense)

    im not sugar coating this because this is the impression i am getting from YOUR OWN WORDS.
    1. he doesnt contact you
    2. he has 3 BMW's a house and a boat, yet wouldnt help your mom with education or medical expenses for their kids.
    3. you pay when you and your dad go out
    4. you only get together when YOU plan it.
    5. he took you to MCDonalds for a birthday dinner


    face it man, your father is a dead beat dad and you are better off without him. dont dwell on not throwing balls around with him. my dad is still around and i dont remember ever doing that.
    there isnt really some special bond between a father and son that MUST be present in a persons life. its not a requirement. its a benefit. and bottom line is that your dad doesnt care enough to have a relationship with you.

    it sounds like he doesnt care at all and is only willing to tolerate you when he has the free time. there are kids out there who grow up the their entire lives without a father figure. people whos dad left, and people whos dad died. realize that you are better off then these people. the way your dad feels and acts toward you has absolutely nothing do with you. its not your fault. he is just a selfish *******.

    the best thing for you to do is realize that you dont need him. you dont need anything from him. let him come around on his own IF he ever will. its not something you can force. if he cared this wouldnt be an issue because the way he acted would be different. just remeber that if you ever have kids, dont treat them the same way.

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    RBT, the comments above are sadly accurate. The truth is that the relationship, if you can call it that, is only important to you, not to him.

    I don't understand how a parent (usually a Dad) can divorce a kid when the spouse is divorced but it happens all the time. The huge problem with that is that because the parent who deserts thinks the relationship is unimportant, the abandoned child figures it must be their fault.

    Fact is, it is not your fault. Keep saying that, it is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

    Do you what you need to do to keep yourself sane. That said, keep in mind, the guy who donated the sperm for your birth has little interest in you and that is HIS FAULT! It is hard to think of a parent being wrong or worse, a loser, but the only way the relationship works is if you do the heavy lifting and that is WRONG!!!!!

    Best wishes to you. You are better than that!
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    I have to agree with the above 2 posts. I was in a similar situation, and haven't spoken to my father in over 15 years. Granted, I had a stepfather who actually gave a ****. But if your father isn't willing to try, neither should you imo. I'd talk to him, and if he doesn't make a concerted effort afterwards, it's because he doesn't care enough.

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    Quote Originally Posted by eric View Post
    realize that your dad is a self centered jerk and stop trying to attain his love and attention. im sure your brother and him are no longer on speaking terms SIMPLY because your brother wised up and realized his father was a dead beat who couldnt give a **** about his own kids.( no offense)

    im not sugar coating this because this is the impression i am getting from YOUR OWN WORDS.
    1. he doesnt contact you
    2. he has 3 BMW's a house and a boat, yet wouldnt help your mom with education or medical expenses for their kids.
    3. you pay when you and your dad go out
    4. you only get together when YOU plan it.
    5. he took you to MCDonalds for a birthday dinner


    face it man, your father is a dead beat dad and you are better off without him. dont dwell on not throwing balls around with him. my dad is still around and i dont remember ever doing that.
    there isnt really some special bond between a father and son that MUST be present in a persons life. its not a requirement. its a benefit. and bottom line is that your dad doesnt care enough to have a relationship with you.

    it sounds like he doesnt care at all and is only willing to tolerate you when he has the free time. there are kids out there who grow up the their entire lives without a father figure. people whos dad left, and people whos dad died. realize that you are better off then these people. the way your dad feels and acts toward you has absolutely nothing do with you. its not your fault. he is just a selfish *******.

    the best thing for you to do is realize that you dont need him. you dont need anything from him. let him come around on his own IF he ever will. its not something you can force. if he cared this wouldnt be an issue because the way he acted would be different. just remeber that if you ever have kids, dont treat them the same way.
    No need to sugarcoat it dude, I appreciate the honesty. I wouldn't of asked the question if I didn't want to know what people thought

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    eh doesn't hurt to try I think. You shouldn't try as hard, but doesn't hurt to try. I was in a similar situation and took awhile but my dad and I are close now. My brother in law is in a situation and he and his dad are still trying. I think you have to try but just no when to walk away sort of thing. I wouldn't ever fully close the door though.
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    Im not going to sit here and act like I know the details within your situation but what I can tell you is that sometimes people just aren;t meant to be parents, nobody is born a parent and some people just aren't that good at it. I have talked to my mother twice in the last 15 years...I'm 23. I was lucky enough to have an amazing father but still felt like I was missing something with my mother but truth be told thats not the truth. The last time I talked to her we had a semi-serious talk with me calling her out about some of her BS and she said we would talk and get togethor b ut guess what...never happened. Point is, **** em. If they dont have the desire to be resonable with their own child then why waste your time.

    You may have to work harder to achieve what you want(school,$) but when you finish you will know that you did that without him and that you really didnt need him. Obviously you would want him there for more reasons thatn just monatary help but you have to talk to him sohe undersatnds where you are coming from as an adult.

    Best of luck.

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