It's amazing how a loss affects our lives. All week long, the food is gross, the beer smells funny and the sex is some type of hideous combination of both. Yes, a truly horrid living experience indeed. Yet, towards the end of the week, the sun breaks through the clouds, the birds start annoyingly chirping again and by Friday...all is right again. Why, you ask? Because as the work week ends, the mind of a football fan knows that it is just the beginning. Hope still springs somewhat eternal, and the Miami F'n Dolphins will be in action once again. This time, work convines out in the desert of Arizona. The Cardinals, forever bad yet always beaming with young talent, will present, in many ways, a much different challenge than the New Jersey Jets of yesterweek. Is it possible to beat them? If so, how does Miami go about it? Well, I am glad you asked because I've got... The Gameplan History Lesson Before we delve into a full fledged assault on Arizona and their areas of sucktitude, we must first reflect briefly on our week one loss to the hated J-E-T-S to find out what we have learned about our favorite football team. First, we learned that Brett Favre can't color coordinate... But besdies that, we learned that this young, rebuilding team will fight to the very last play of the game and go down kicking and screaming if need be. It may not seem like much, but this mindset is the one that permeates a team over time, and eventually becomes the culture. And a culture of winning to boot! Take THAT Cam Cameron! Run Ric....wait, I mean, Run RONNIE Run! We also learned that the Dolphins will go, as Ronnie goes. The guy is simply a stud, and should be fed the ball more times than Jason Ferguson is fed lunch. Ronnie Brown touched the ball a total of nine times in week one. The man, who, up until he was turned into a defensive player by Cleo Lemon, was leading the planet in all purpose yards, was given the ball nine times against the Jets. Unaccaptable. Frank Gore was able to carve up Arizona's defense to the tune of 96 yards on 14 carries and a TD. For those of you who are not Math Olympiads (I have the medals to prove it), that equates to roughly seven yards a carry. With the Arizona hurting up the middle and Ronnie fully healthy, there is no reason that he shouldn't have the ball in his hands less than 15 times rushing and perhaps five times receiving. Make it your mantra Dan Henning, GIVE RONNIE THE DAMN BALL! Wrapping up the loose ends Tightly Another lesson that was taught to us fans, was that, our wide receivers suck worse than French Canadians trying to speak english. Now, some credit has to be given to the secondary of the Jets, but most of the blame goes on a receiving corps that forgot to...you know, receive. The bad news is that the Cardinals only gave up 64 yards passing to San Francisco's wideouts. The good news is, Vernon Davis, their tight end, hauled in 51 yards all by his lonesome. Since we found out that Anthony Fasano is, well...good. And that David Martin apparently went to the store and bought himself a pair of these, we may be okay. Maybe. Granted, we would all like to see Ginn get 15 catches for 175 yards and five touchdowns. However, at this point, we better hope that he can make those numbers for the year instead of one game. Fasano showed the toughness and reliability needed from the tight end position. Chad and he seem to have a great relationship early on and it appears to be his favorite target in the passing game early on. In order to win on Sunday, we will need to see more of the same from those two, if not more. Double, Double, Warner's in trouble A lesson we already know coming into this game is that Kurt and his wife shop in the bargain bin for haircuts. But Super Cuts Sunday Specials aside, we know that The Cardinals have great receivers, and that their QB needs time in order to get the ball away. Lets face it, Kurt is a statue. He is such a statue that Dan Marino and Drew Bledsoe talk smack about him. But the old man can sling the rock with the best of them still and if the Dolphins allow him the time he needs, he will make them pay. Miami best bet is probably to send blitzes at Kurt all day with our linebackers. Miami got great pressure against a better o-line in week one against Favre and shouldn't have a problem repreating their three sack performance, if not improve on it, in week two. Matt Roth and Joey Porter have the potential to have big days if they time their blitzes right. If not, Larry Fitzgerald and Mr, IshouldhavebeenaDolphinbutWannstachelikedEddieMoore'sspecialteamsskills a.k.a. Anquan Boldin will have field days and sink my fantasy team (my opponent has Fitzgerald) into oblivion. So there you have it folks. The gameplan is set. The question remains, will they execute the gameplan? Or will the Dolphins still make Hootie cry? Until next time...
Great write up. I always get a laugh from your stuff. I agree though, BRING BACK SWAMP ***! That made be break out in full blown coffee out of my nose laugh!!! Thanks for a good start to a Friday Morning!!!!
i thought you were gonna mention favre's packers shoulder pads he was wearing... anyone else notice that... ps... Samphin for prez, i love these write ups
good stuff keep bringing them every week I think most of Gores yards came off of one run if im not mistaken.
I know, right. You're amused and kind of weirded out and then you just keep laughing. Great stuff though.
He had one big cary of like 40 yds to a TD, but I thought he consistently picked up about 4 to 5 yds a pop. They seemed to stick to running to the right side most of the game, so we'll see if Miami does something similar. By the way, getting to watch every game in 30 minutes commercial free with the NFL ticket may be the greatest thing ever.
...seriously...? Wow, Pete... edit: And technically...I am correct as Hootie was Darius and the blowfish were the band. Why am I even arguing this?
How can you not notice it, it's the one with three hundred media people hanging off it and John Madden's lips welded to it. Great writeup Samphin, too funny.
Samphin... Your words read like poetry! VERY nice indeed! Ronnie is a beast...BUT, Sparano doesn't want to load him too early. 15 touches running and 5 receiving seems about perfect!
Leave it to Pete to pick apart the biggest throw away comment of the article and analyze it like he was Billy Crystal talking with DeNiro. From now on then...YOU are Hootie.
I have a pretty funny story about Madden and when I ran into him at a local ice cream parlor (Madden lives about 10 minutes from my mom's house).